26th July 2005 - - part 3

(Late post. Sorry folks, office is killing me! & on top of all that, they blocked blogger! ARGH! :| :|)

Read Part 1 & Part 2 first.

Imagine being surrounded by a complete blanket of darkness around you. Add to that, walking/trying-to-keep-your-self-from-drowning in water. Not to mention a middle-aged lady who was... suprisingly fast! I mean dude, you are in water. you are in the dark. & hello? you are like 35!! How can you move that quick???!!!!


So, the situation looked grim. It was like you get halfway through something and then you have the "Uh-oh" moment. We were as far away from Linking Road & from S.V.Road & suddenly it didnt look like a escape route anymore! The water for some reason was rising alarmingly fast, the lady seemed to be getting taller & hop-skipping to safer places. Bhavik was getting scared at how chest high water for the guys meant a literal visarjan for the tiny me *gulp*. Nik looked tense for the first time during the night, we were holding hands really tightly so that we dont lose anyone. Bhavik suggested that they should carry me. My expression was the precise equivalent of "???!!!!" After some delibration the idea was dropped because the water was overpowering whatever we would do anyway. It was safer to hold hands. I distinctly remember slipping once and almost drowning, with my poor heart in my mouth, thrashing around in the water that a freaking eel! After what seemed like forever, we finally noticed that the water seemed calmer (apparently the earlier rushing water was due to some pipe burst + rain + road slope) and seemed to be going down. Finally reached S.V.Road, where the water was indeed lower and thats when Rupesh says, "Erm.. guys.. where is that lady?". We look around & there are very few people around us, and we exchange looks of "wtf happened to her???!!!" Bhavik swore she was ahead of us when we stumbled upon S.V.Road & right now there was no lady in sight...

26th July 2005 - - part 2

Read Part 1 here.

Four people. Two umbrellas. I was mentally doing a jig, wonder if everyone could hear it. I mean come on!!!! Anyone who stays here in Mumbai knows how romantic the rains are - its grey and windy and there is this slight chill in the air that feels quite nice. I am really short (barely 5 2") and I was walking on the divider, one hand over Nik's shoulder, hunched up under the umbrella. The water was rising, though it was just drizzling.. Our other two friends (Bhavik & Rupesh) were walking behind us, discussing Mechanics - I.(?!)

That month, there was this new newspaper that was breaking into the largely monopolized market of TOI - DNA (haven't heard of that since then actually :P but they did come with a bang..) They had this survey thing, where people wearing boring blue shirts caught you at bustops and stations, asking "Kya aapke paas saath minute hai?". There we were soaking wet, given up on the umbrella, walking with a crowd of people, and Nik, very well known for this stupid PJ's says, "Yeh loh mujhe maarenge na, if I ask them, kya aapke paas saath minute hai?". "If you don't shut up, main tujhe maroongi" I say, giggling nevertheless :P

26th July 2005 - - part I

Its been five whole years, and yet when I think of it, it makes me smile for some strange reason. Almost everyone I know has a '26th July Story', I do too, and no, its not  something extraordinary.. Its something that happened to a lot of people, that walk back home.. For me, it is one of the awesomest, thrilling times I have ever had., simply because Im sure no other city other than Mumbai would have given me such an experience.... So what happened? Read on... :)
 

26th July 2005'.. 

Just after lunch break, it starts to rain. It isnt pouring, its drizzling steadily, fat drops of water... exactly how I like it. Its starting to get chilly, and my socks feel so warm in my brand new shoes. Its that shade of grey that I really really like outside, but unfortunately I have a book that I really really hate in front of me. Applied Physics - I. Nothing that can ACTUALLY BE applied in real life anyway. Looking up, I watch the teacher drone on about Gauss's Theorem and start to zone off. Mom calls and the vibration thats as good as a ringtone, brings me back to the present. I put it on silent and throw it into my bag. Turn back, bleary eyed, to "...the volume total of all sinks and sources, the volume integral of the divergence, is equal to the net flow across the volume's boundary ..."

---------------------

Lies

A dance of the vowels and consonants,
Perfectly placed, just the right amount of mush,
Articulated so well, a bitter disguise,
My inbox is full of your lies.


Faking sincerities, it’s all a facade,
Words in a twelve point Arial,
Signed with the sickly sweet "XOXO"
Hugs and Kisses so out of place.


Spell-checked and every dot perfect,
Seduction with grammar, cheap and dishonest,
Each time I read your letters,
My mind reverberates with the sound of your lies.


You think you have it all going your way,
But honey this time, you couldn’t be more wrong
It’s a wrong girl you picked to mess with this time,
And it’s now payback time for all those lies.


Forward, Honey, I forward,
Everything to the woman who wears your ring,
Enough of your deception now let me watch,
As your punctuated lies destroy your everything.




~Annie.



P.S: Next time you decide to patao someone online, remember there could be a potential disadvantage.. Electronic content cant ever be erased, it persists for ever... and also of course, you could be dealing with a crazed vindictive woman like me :D *evil laugh*

Birthday Wishlist...

7th Day from now.... wow so close!!! :) :) :)


Someone singing me happy bday in a veryyyy buttery voice at 12 in the night :)
Beautiful red roses...
Teddy bear -- badaaaa wala :)...
A pleasant suprise...
Warm Hugs...
Someone to hold my hand out of the blue...
A new Fasttrack watch...
YET another bottle of Davidoff :P...
Jewellery...
A new cam...
Ok since this is MY list and I can dream as much as I want ... Apple Macbook AIR :P
Lots of laughter...NO tears!!! *I hav had really bad last few bdays* :(
A good movie... (n NO I DONT want to see Paa which is releasing the day before!)
A good book...
Clothes!!!!...
A sexy new bag...
Shoes.. :P *I can never have enuf of these :P*
Someone telling me I look very pretty...
Flawless complexion on that day atleast :P
Lots of smiles.. for no reason :)
Watching the sun go down at the beachside and hearing the waves as they come by.. *sighhhh!!*
Chocolate Chip Icecream... :)
A good night kiss that leaves me breathless...



I know none of the things I really really want for my bday will actually come true. I know that my 22nd bday is going to be just another day... just like my 21st bday. My best friends are away or busy, my crush is an idiot :P, and basically it will be over even before I realize it... and as much as I hate the sound of that I cannot do anything about it :(

But what the heck?! :P
Whats life without impossible dreams nai? :)

~ Annie

In the dead of the night...

Look. Hear. Think. Feel. Touch.
Laugh. Smile. Breathe. Dream.
Cry. Give Up. Let Go.
Hold On Tight.
Forgive. Remember. Cherish. Learn.
Make Peace.
Love. And Love Again.

Musing..

Someone just asked me “Annie, do u still believe in love?” And I answered without missing a beat, “Yes I do.” Damn the question keeps popping up all the time eh? Why is it assumed that someone who has had a breakup has to be a non believer? Is everyone falling in the said category a non believer? If so then that makes me one strange girl!! :P

I have had a rather depressing love story, having loved a guy for a better part of college life, which ultimately ended in total chaos, misery and tears. I’m not trying to be super-womanly about it… I went through my share of crying and moping and questioning the world “Y me?” I was depressed crazy but you know I reached a point where I finally believed that the guy wasn’t worth it. I mean I am not blaming him or cursing him all the way to damnation, no I am not, I just finally came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t the one I am supposed to be with. I have no reason to hate him, because hating him won’t make things any better. He has wronged me yes, and there are some things I will never forgive him for, but no matter what I cannot just do away with years off my life can I now? The memories are always going to be there and its my choice whether I put up with them lik adjusting in a badly cramped place, poking and prodding at things from the past or packing them away in a cardboard box and putting them away at the back of the room. I made the place. I put them away back. For good. :)

Do I still believe in love? Yes I do. I am one silly girl who happens to be a eternal romantic. I still believe someday someone is going to show up who is going to come and sweep me off my feet. Of course he won’t be perfect, because no one is, but he will be perfect for me. I dream of that guy sometimes, smiling foolishly, about someone who isn’t even here yet!!! Lolz. I really AM strange. :P

Being in a relationship that didn’t work out and broke my heart could have very easily turned me bitter towards a lot of things in life. Most people I know are like that, unable to accept something that life is offering now, because you are still clutching the past. That is not how it should be. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Maybe the best reason for all the crap that happened to you was to make you perfect for the next person who comes along. :)

There’s a very special person who I often tell, “Everything has to balance out in the universe. If something bad has happened to you, something good is waiting for you right around the corner.” Hope someone who is reading this right now, realizes that and smiles. Coz nothing makes me happier than making someone smile. :)

Annie.
P.S: there is a lot more to life than you think there is, so SMILE ppl! For all you know, someone might be falling in love with that smile right now. :)

Rains..

*I wrote this a longgg time back, but i never put it here, cz well, a lot of things i write dont find their way here anyway... it was just one of those things...

anyway, since its raining rain posts all over blogville, here is My Rain Post *

Sights, smells and sounds… those are the things that define memories for me. Memories are the things that I remember with amazing clarity… all it takes is a moment to close my eyes and feel it all over again…

One of my most favorite things in the world is to watch the rains. There was this time when , I used to be the first one out there…drenched to my skin, happy , oblivious to the hardships of life. It was like timeout, u know. Just forget everything. All that matters is the pitter patter of the rain drops… the winds in the background… and the skies the color of molten iron. Somewhere along the way the little girl had to grow up. Now she’s on the other side of the window. Just watching and reminiscing about those days…

Rains.

There’s so much about them that I cant forget….
Memories of carefree childhood.
Memories of first day to school… year after year… of home and being tucked safely under the soft cozy bedcovers… as it poured outside..
Memories of two best friends beginning a ritual of treating each other every time they met (which is like once a year) … that will last forever…
Memories of time with friends discovering the joys of being a college going student…discovering the infinite possibilities of stuff to do when u r free…

And of course…Memories of love.
Memories of being kissed for the very first time… in the light drizzle in the middle of nowhere… a sweet memory of just a peck on the cheek… just as beautiful even after all these years…
Memories of passionate kisses while getting wet in the rain… with someone who disliked the rains as much as I loved them. Feel the odd combination of the cold rain outside and searing heat within…
Memories of being locked up in a small cozy place as it poured outside. Feel the hand slip down the arm, pulling me closer. Can u imagine still feeling the breath tht ruffled your hair even though it happened a lifetime ago?
Memories of crashing waves and rushing winds as we strolled down the bandstand… then seaface…
Memories of the college quad… silent… and the basketball and us…
Memories of dreams coming true… in the world where they still existed.

People moved on. Hearts got broken. Life changes and so do the people who held a special place once upon a time. We all move on. We all have to forget things. Vacuum out the dust to make way for sometime new. Some people are not meant to be together. And some are supposed to be there even though they think they ought to go away. Everything changes. Some of the people who are there as a part of all these memories don’t even exist in my life anymore. Atleast not in the real sense. But they will continue to be there as long as I have these memories.

And even though some hurt me bad… the memories don’t hurt anymore. They are just there… thinking about them is like watching a movie that u have seen before. You know what’s gonna happen and u know that no matter how hard you cry, you cant change the end. Its sort of like that. There will come a time when everything will be worth it and when that day comes, the memories will make u realize that… Sometimes the worst things that happen to you… are actually the best ones… think about it...

Annie.
P.S: The pic is courtesy Arnab, one of my nicest blogger friends. :) And also my Bengali Teacher. So far all I hav learnt is "Kaemon acho?" :P :D

P.P.S: And thanks to Prince Ali too, who told me a long time back that I ought to put this on the blog. :)

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

CAUTION: Reader Discretion Advised. Graphic words used.

Remember the first time I saw u while you played in the rain?

Remember the first time I laughed at you when you said something funny?

Remember the first time I smiled at you while in your arms?

Look at me and tell me do u see that girl anymore?

The first time you hit me I was blind,

I didn't see that it was the beginning of something that will never end,

Wore dark sunglasses and put on makeup to hide the bruises,

So people wouldn't see what you had done to me..

The first time you called me a bitch in front of my friends,

I laughed and looked away making it seem like a joke

Did you know I cried myself to sleep that night?

Wondering what I had done wrong? Y was I so imperfect?

The first time you gave me a fractured arm,
I was too numb... too blank.. to think straight,
All my friends told me to get away from you..
And all I could think how i could make up for my mistakes?

The first time you raped me I was scared,

That if I cried you wouldn't want me anymore,

Do u know I spent hours in the cold cold shower?

Washing away filth that wouldn't go away..

I dont know who stares at me in d mirror anymore
I dont know where did that bubbly smiling girl go
I dont know where the guy she feel in love with disappear
Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

A broken spirit...and a crushed pair of wings

Befouled violated body..and a numb mind..

You took and twisted me into someone I don't know

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

-Annie.
P.S: This is a topic very close to me. I have often wondered what makes a woman stay in a abusive relationship... What is that makes her forget that she deserves better? ...Can love really be that blind?

Everything Changes

There was a chill in the air that evening. She pulled her overcoat a little closer to her, hugging herself, that cold autumn day. She needed to keep herself for breaking apart... Atleast not in front of him. Her throat ached and her eyes stung. She hadn’t slept a wink in the night and she felt like she would cry any moment.

The lump in her throat turned more painful when she saw him. He stood at the other end of the empty basketball court. Her breath seemed to catch as she saw him. They walked slowly towards each other… A walk that seemed to take forever when all it took for a few ticking seconds. As she started taking the steps she could feel herself changing. Her happy, funny and perpetually laughing mask seemed to be out of the closet. She pushed away the thoughts and the sleepless night and smiled a bright smile.

"Heyya Sweetypie"

He looked at her with eyes filled with a sea of emotions she couldn’t fathom. He looked at her with a desperation she didn’t want to thaw at the cold that settled around her heart. She wouldn’t ever let him see how much she ached on the inside.

"Are u ok?"

No I am anything but ok. She took d basketball and started to dribble away from him. Refusing to meet his eyes. "Yes of course I am you dummy!!! Why do u ask?"

He appeared in front of her out of nowhere, taking advantage of her being so tiny, blocking off her escape. He took d basketball with no difficulty and put it out of her reach, like the way one would do with a child.

"Heyyy..." She frowned. She cussed. He smiled and that nearly drove her crazy.

"Will u talk to me?" He said turning serious again.

She sighed. Resigned and defeated. They turned and walked to d edge of the court. Sitting down on d steps near d court, he began, "Are u upset with me?"

Yes I am. "Of course I m not… What makes you say that?" she said.

He said in a rush, "You wouldn’t pick up my calls... You wouldn’t reply to my messages.. Where have you been?". His eyes seem to burn down to the depths of her soul, willing her to say the truth.

I was hurting... U hurt me. "I was busy"

"So busy, you couldn’t reply back?"

Do I even exist for you? Can you even see how much I love u? "Areee baba... I was tied up all day. I m here now am I not??"

"You aren’t upset about me being with her are u?" He asked with a worried face.

Yes. I m so upset I can feel my heart break. "Nooo... Why would I be? You are happy. And that makes me happy. You crazy idiot!!"

"I love her a lot. She makes me so happy I can’t imagine being with anyone but her. She makes me feel things I didn’t know I could feel again"

A headache seemed to be building up.. tapping away annoyingly at d inside of her temple. Why was she even here? She should have listened to her best friend. She should at home, in her bed, shut away from d world... she should be alone. She felt something die inside her at his every syllable. She just smiled.

He looked away. Smiling foolishly. She wondered what he thought about? What would she be doing right this moment. What will she say when he proposed to her that night. What would she wear? How she would look in d flowing gossamer veil of white at their wedding? Something that felt horribly like tears prickled at the inside of her eyes. His joy seemed to vibrate out of him… touching everything around him. It made her feel like someone had driven a knife all the way down to the deepest corner of her heart.

Everything screamed at her to tell him about what she was feeling.

I love you so much it makes me crazy to think about you with another woman. I have loved you ever since I saw you first day at college. U had looked so wonderful in your white shirt and blue jeans it had made me go crazy. All these years I was your best friend when every single day I wanted to be more. I wanted to be the woman you imagined spending your entire life with.

It took her super human strength to speak.

“I am happy for you Sweetypie.... You deserve the best. She is very lucky she got you, you know.”

He looked at her then, smiling widely, the crow feet at the corner of his eyes. She wanted to look at anywhere but his face.. and yet she couldn’t stop from falling into love. All over again. With those eyes and that foolish smile. No matter what her mind screamed, she couldn’t look away. He came closer, drawing her in a hug. Kissing d top of her head. She allowed herself a few moments more to dream. She inhaled his scent.. of soap, shampoo, cologne and him. She held him tight because she knew maybe this was the last time she was holding him that way. She squeezed her eyes shut, ordering the tears to hold themselves.. just a few moments more.

She mumbled “I love u.. I love u more than she does.”

He laughed. The rich sound echoing in the empty quad. He ruffled her hair and said “Of course you do. I know you do jaan. You'll always be my number one. You know tat, right!!”

They broke apart and he held her still, smiling at her. She smiled at wooden smile, willing herself to get up and leave.

Please make me stay. Please Please hold me once more. “I need to go. Ill seeya later ok?”

He got up too, snatching the ball and putting in a layup. He said “Ok. Ill call u about what happens tonight. Though I know what the answer will be. You get to be my best man ok??!! Hahahaha..”

She could no longer smile.. starting to walk away from him.. the basketball.. college.. He called out, “Oye.. say Bye atleast!! ”

She waved without looking back. Every step she took seemed to put more distance between them than anything else.

As she reached the edge of the court, he called out again, “Nothing changes.. I love u too ok?”

She stopped in her steps and this time she could stop the tears that came. She nodded and waved again. He couldn’t see because he was already on the phone.

She started to walk again. Putting her hands in her pockets, as the breeze started to pick up. As the day started to get colder.

She whispered, “Everything changes.”

P.S: DO NOT DERIVE ANY CONCLUSIONS OUT OF THIS.

Why Breaking Up can be good...

I’ll not beat around d bush here, about why I m writing this post. I had a breakup. Very recently. Lets not get into the why’s and when.. because it’s a rather long and messy story. So anyway, I decided to write this, because.. Damn!! Breakups can be good. I had a LOT of fun coming up with some of these reasons along with my rocking friends.. (\m/) So here goes :

1. You find out who your guardian angels are. Seriously! I didn’t know I had so many. Across all sorts of distances and even borders (Mwah! You know who you are!) You also find out who your real friends are. The ones who don’t say anything except “What d hell are you doing alone on a Sat night..??? Lets Parttyyyy!!!”

2. You get to hang out with friends so much more that it WILL make you wonder what the heck were u doing all this while.. lost in your own world, when you should have been enjoying life with these friends!

3. You get so much time for yourself, that suddenly, unlike other times, you have a million things to do and so little time. Hehe. (I have been wondering what to catch up with first, the guitar lessons or the unwatched seasons.. lolz!)

4. You get to spend a lot of time with the family. Meaning you are out of your room, and off your phone, and actually listening to how did mom’s day go. And that's a good feeling!

5. You get to stare at cute guys asses. (Hi5!!) Hehe. (Ok, I'll be honest, earlier it was just the faces. Now you can blatantly check them out!) (Courtesy : ILMB, CC’s)

6. You get to burn stuff. Haha. TRUST ME! It's an awesome feeling (rem when in FRIENDS, they try to burn and cute firemen show up!) (Courtesy : Pam)

7. You can FINALLY go to the mall with the sole purpose of buying lingerie. Lolz. I realized its actually true!! Guys always hurry you through the most important section a woman’s gotta have.. n with the guy gone you have plenty of time for laces and satins. (wink wink) (Misty Rhythm gave me d idea through this post)

8. You can leave.. umm.. certain places unshaven. (courtesy: Tinku)

(I got a LOT of raised eyebrows for this one.. so for everyone's benefit i clarify.. i DIDN'T come up with this, n I DIDN'T mean what you pervs think!!! i meant the goddamn hands duh!!!)

9. Your friends wont mind sharing you with other friends.. hehehe!! Meaning you can juggle between multiple ‘friends’ :D (Courtesy : Rahul *Rahul’s Quote : “shee yaar!! I feel like having an extra affairal affair with all these faltu ka restrictions she’s put on me”*)

10. You get to see for yourself what an impossibly wonderful, strong and beautiful person u really are!!! Trust me on this, nothing could do you more good than breaking up with someone who wasn’t meant to be. Good, messy, bad, spiteful.. whatever way it ends, You'll learn a lot about yourself than any other experience you have ever had!! :) :) :)

Holi Hai!!!! :)

The pyre burns... with erratic orange sparks flying away..
Spilling yellow light over evrythng tht stands near
Illuminating faces... I can see the fire dancing in their eyes
Old faces weary with the ages, lines deep on their forehead
Young faces, shining in the warm light, smiling toothy smiles...

Its the day the Holika burns..
destroying all tht was bad.. the suffering and the despair..
drinking with it, consuming all that was spite in the world
leaving jus the purity... jus the sancity.. and the smiles..

I watch the ladies with thier incence stickes and earthern lamps
and coins to be thrown... the belief on their brows..
so strong.. n so determined..
The kids dance around the holy light..
They chant prayers as the pyre burns.. cleansing us all..

I still sigh as things crowd my mind..
Y am i still so sad then?
Y can i let go of my troubles?
Y cant i let the holika wash away my pain..
leaving me too, clean and peaceful..

The wood burns with tht strange singeing sound..
The warmth of the blazing fire...seems to seep in..
All the way to the core of my bones.. n my soul..
Urging me to throw away my pain.. To let go of things.
To watch that all I hav to do is try..give it up for a moment..

And watch as they disappear with the twisting buring wood
And watch as the fire pulverizes it into somethng i dont know..
Watch it turn to dust before my eyes... so insignificant...
n feel the burden lift off my shoulders..
Move on in life, towards the light..Smiling..

... Embracing life...

My dream came true on the basketball court.

It was a windy October day. Woke up in the morning with the mother of all headaches. Oh sweet mamma… * that’s why someone very wise has said don’t try to wash down your heartaches with vodka* but, hey, …it was still a nice breezy morning that also happened to be a public holiday. And its also one that I will remember all my life.

There’s something about trains that’s very comforting when your numb from the inside. That noise. It kind of seeps in, you know. After all these days, I may not remember what I was feeling at that time, but I can still distinctly remember the melody of the wheels on the tracks. Atleast till I reach the wrought-iron gates of college.

It is so silent, I can hear the rhythm of my own heart beat. Not a soul in sight. The deserted corridors are silent and the tap of my shoes echoes in the hallway. I make my way to the basketball court.. and that’s where he is waiting. For me. With the basketball that changed our fates a month ago.

There’s another person there as well. One more person with betrayal in his eyes, eyes that I don’t have the strength to meet. He comes and says "goodbye" and leaves. Out of the court and out of my life. It’s just the two of us now.

It had rained the night before. The small puddles of water reflect the sky that has turned grey now. He comes towards me now, slowly… dribbling the basketball…the voice echoes loudly making my heart beat a little quicker. The quad has never felt so huge before. Funny, how I never noticed how beautiful that tree beside the student store was. I can still hear the rustling of those leaves, the only voice in the silence.

And suddenly he was right before me. The dribbling stopped. He tilted my face up with his finger, looked at me with eyes that unique shade of brown and whispered "I love you". I can’t find my voice because I can feel myself floating away. Headier than I had been last night with that vodka… he comes closer…and…

It starts to rain. Just the way I like it. Just the way dreams come true.


P.S: This is entirely true account of how I met my college sweetheart. He was the basketball captain, and I fell in love with him the first time I saw him sail a perfect three pointer from his trademark zero degree. :)