Its all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

Remember that day when we sat in your car, parked just ahead of my bus stop. I was due to catch my bus anytime. But I didn't really want to because I was so fucked up. And that one shared Marlboro Light with you changed my life. 

That's the thing about sharing I have learnt - sharing happiness is normal, sharing sorrow is something else. It creates a bond that's much deeper. You went from being a good friend to someone who knew not only the high but also the low of me. 

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Every long lost dream

Led me to where you are

And others who broke my heart

Were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way

Into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God bless the broken road

That led me straight to you

:) :)

Always yours,
Sweetz.
P.S: I love you.
__________________________________________________________
Now Playing: Bless The Broken Road | Rascal Flatts

But Damn, You Smell Good, Like Home.

I am one of those people who had her heart broken into pieces a long while ago. Inspiring some of my best posts ofcourse - like In Loving Memory and Somedays. For those who don't know, it was a typical college romance that went on for a long long time. We met on the basketball court and it was one heck of a roller-coaster! Till things fell apart, bit by bit and we weren't 'we' anymore. We were just.... me and him. 

Conversations

"I want to get wet! I want to get wet!"

Then she giggles as I grab her hand and pull her into the rick. Comes close to me and nuzzles against my neck. Kisses me. Looks outside at the pouring rain again and starts grinning like a kid. Sticks her head outside the rickshaw as if there's something wondrous outside. Collects rainwater in her tiny hands and splashes water on me. The same kiddish playful smile writ large across her face. Then remembers that she's tired and settles back with her head on my shoulder, melting in my arms, letting me comfort her. 

Asks me what does that look on my face mean. It's a look of wonder and amazement, a look of "this woman swept her way into my life, captivated my heart, colonized my thoughts, how on earth did all these wonderful things happen to me", a look of trying to take in the pure joy of being there next to her and watching her smile and be happy and enjoy life. It's a look of "God, I love her so so much". And somewhere behind it is the permanent feeling of guilt and self-loathing for the tears I made her cry. I only smile. Pull her closer into my arms.

I love her so very much.

**************

"Come back inside, you will fall sick"

That half amused, half worried look on his face when he tries unsuccessfully to pull me back into the rick. Watching me with a look I cant decipher, maybe its wonder, maybe its amusement, maybe it is something else. Feels I am cold and pulls me into his strong arms, warming me in an instant, making me feel safe and protected in an instant. Removes the strands of my wet hair so gently as if I was made of porcelain, kisses me so soft and so tender like it was a fairytale. Feels the passion building up and pulls me closer by the waist, his warm hands branding my bare skin, every touch telling me I am only his. Kisses me the way a man is supposed to kiss his woman. Leaving me breathless, lost and unaware of anyone, anything but the touch of him, the smell of him, the feeling of his lips on mine. Wraps me in that big hug, and pulls me closer to his chest, so close that I can feel his heartbeat beating in sync with mine. Looking up back at him, and he still has that look, that one look I don't understand.. but it doesn't matter, because those dimples deepen and it fills me up with so much happiness, that I made him smile, I made him happy after a long day at work.

Smile at him and think, he is the reason why everything happened to me before. Everything was planned, orchestrated perfectly by someone, some entity, just so I could end up with him. And that is enough for me to kiss him back and lose myself to him. All over again.

I love him much more than I will ever be able to put in words.

~Annie.

P.S: There is no cure for hopeless romantics... Sigh.

____________________________________________________________

Now Playing: Brighter than sunshine | Aqualung

Mwah Shilps! :)

No matter what I write about you and the times I spent with you, nothing, NOTHING, will come close to telling you what you mean to me. Im sooooooooooooooo happy that you will be starting a new life in a new city (TRUST ME Hyd is awesome!!! And the sights... ufff kya batao!!! *wink wink*) and at the same times Im million times more sad that you are going to go away from us all...

The time I spent with you... laughing mostly... and some of it crying and some more of it fighting... I will always always remember it. When I sit to think of the three years that I spent with you, there are so many memories that crowd my mind.. All the times that bring a smile to my face instantly, making me thank the big guy up there, for blessing me with a friend like you.

I remember how we all came together, you, moni, pranita, varu and me... strangely beginning in the LR (Ladies Room) of all places!! How many times we have sat there, completing assignments, laughing about teachers, talking about crushes and boyfriends (apne AND doosro ke... hehehehe!)... and omg!! taking those million pics!!!! :) :) :)

I remember how we formulated our "MOM" theory... talking about the eccentricities of our respective mom's.. Hehehe!!! The MOM Theory of our girl gang was that all moms in the world refered some common hidden book in the world. The book had all the same theories that moms uncannily seemed to follow (for example -- "If your friend (who i have seen with my own eyes) is not going for that outing, you are not allowed", "Any guy who calls you after 10.00 PM is a 'bigda' hua ladka!")and they all referred the same dialogues -- ("haaaannn.... yeh toh guesthouse refering to home) hai!!!! mann aata hai tab aati hai... mi tar molkarin aahe na! ('Im just a maid' in marathi)" .... "Once I say NO it means NO!"... "Friends ke liye tere pass time hai... Mere liye nahi hai!!! (tragic voice)" And even if we were not allowed for those outings, or we had to invent some seriously crazy code names for the bigde hue ladke who called after 10.00PM... we found a way to laugh about it all... And my god! Do I miss that wonderful laughter! :)

Shimla-Manali trip was the best time of my life, with the SHOT gang and the crazy antics we did... The people we troubled in the trains, the masti with did our RR Gang... Remember how Karthik sprayed his deo at us when we yelled "shot diya shot diya" complete with mawali steps on the train, and yelled back "baas maara baas maara" :D :D You, Prani, Moni, Sari, Varu had the best time, in the snow, shooting snowballs at the "others" :D having CRAZYYYYY photoshoots where we pretended to be models in demand :P which we actually are anyway :P hehehhee!!! Rem how we were singing songs while we on on those horses with weird haircuts, how we ran around in the Manali hotel pretending to be ghosts (with a seriously BAD sense of humor!!), troubling couples, talking about the future late in the night and then finally saying "Abe yaar yeh sab kya SHOT hai... chalo CID dekhte hai!" ... Life was so wondeful with a friend like you.

Naintal trip was the icing on the cake, with the vodka party and the Danger Duckies... Then the jeep ride in Jim Corbett where all we saw were elephants :P, then coming and playing sakhli on the hotel grounds :D.. I remember getting scared out of my wits when we heard that sudden knock on the door in the dead of the night, with the lights all gone, and weird sounding rasping from the other side... and the GENIUSES that we are.. we carry PILLOWS as shields!!! and go open the door to not a ghost but Gul!!! Ofc no ghost would have hair THAT long! :P the gossip-cum-what happens in the future sessions in the middle of the night where Gul wanted to open the windows because "the insects will be sleeping anyway" :D

Sharing dabba in the canteen, sitting in the quad, hanging out in the LR of all places possible, bunking lects, sitting for lects and throwing paper balls, fighting with mad people in exam dept, going crazy about Salman :P (of Dance India Dance fame), enjoying every fest of college with crazy screaming... You made college a LOT awesomer than before! :) You are one of the few people who make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have friends like you guys! :)

All the best for whatever you do (Im TELLING you .NET is awesome! :P JAVA SUCKS!) And hope you find happiness where you are (If you find extra tall dark handsome from down there, send me ASAP! :P) and Ill misssss youuu!!!!! Now who will tell Pranita with me "Nice try huh, Nice try! " :( and who will tell her "Annie tak pohochne ke liye tujhe mere paise guzarna padega" I'll miss you babe!!!


Love you LOTS!,
Proud SHOT gang member,
Annie. :)

In the dead of the night...

Look. Hear. Think. Feel. Touch.
Laugh. Smile. Breathe. Dream.
Cry. Give Up. Let Go.
Hold On Tight.
Forgive. Remember. Cherish. Learn.
Make Peace.
Love. And Love Again.

Rains..

*I wrote this a longgg time back, but i never put it here, cz well, a lot of things i write dont find their way here anyway... it was just one of those things...

anyway, since its raining rain posts all over blogville, here is My Rain Post *

Sights, smells and sounds… those are the things that define memories for me. Memories are the things that I remember with amazing clarity… all it takes is a moment to close my eyes and feel it all over again…

One of my most favorite things in the world is to watch the rains. There was this time when , I used to be the first one out there…drenched to my skin, happy , oblivious to the hardships of life. It was like timeout, u know. Just forget everything. All that matters is the pitter patter of the rain drops… the winds in the background… and the skies the color of molten iron. Somewhere along the way the little girl had to grow up. Now she’s on the other side of the window. Just watching and reminiscing about those days…

Rains.

There’s so much about them that I cant forget….
Memories of carefree childhood.
Memories of first day to school… year after year… of home and being tucked safely under the soft cozy bedcovers… as it poured outside..
Memories of two best friends beginning a ritual of treating each other every time they met (which is like once a year) … that will last forever…
Memories of time with friends discovering the joys of being a college going student…discovering the infinite possibilities of stuff to do when u r free…

And of course…Memories of love.
Memories of being kissed for the very first time… in the light drizzle in the middle of nowhere… a sweet memory of just a peck on the cheek… just as beautiful even after all these years…
Memories of passionate kisses while getting wet in the rain… with someone who disliked the rains as much as I loved them. Feel the odd combination of the cold rain outside and searing heat within…
Memories of being locked up in a small cozy place as it poured outside. Feel the hand slip down the arm, pulling me closer. Can u imagine still feeling the breath tht ruffled your hair even though it happened a lifetime ago?
Memories of crashing waves and rushing winds as we strolled down the bandstand… then seaface…
Memories of the college quad… silent… and the basketball and us…
Memories of dreams coming true… in the world where they still existed.

People moved on. Hearts got broken. Life changes and so do the people who held a special place once upon a time. We all move on. We all have to forget things. Vacuum out the dust to make way for sometime new. Some people are not meant to be together. And some are supposed to be there even though they think they ought to go away. Everything changes. Some of the people who are there as a part of all these memories don’t even exist in my life anymore. Atleast not in the real sense. But they will continue to be there as long as I have these memories.

And even though some hurt me bad… the memories don’t hurt anymore. They are just there… thinking about them is like watching a movie that u have seen before. You know what’s gonna happen and u know that no matter how hard you cry, you cant change the end. Its sort of like that. There will come a time when everything will be worth it and when that day comes, the memories will make u realize that… Sometimes the worst things that happen to you… are actually the best ones… think about it...

Annie.
P.S: The pic is courtesy Arnab, one of my nicest blogger friends. :) And also my Bengali Teacher. So far all I hav learnt is "Kaemon acho?" :P :D

P.P.S: And thanks to Prince Ali too, who told me a long time back that I ought to put this on the blog. :)

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

CAUTION: Reader Discretion Advised. Graphic words used.

Remember the first time I saw u while you played in the rain?

Remember the first time I laughed at you when you said something funny?

Remember the first time I smiled at you while in your arms?

Look at me and tell me do u see that girl anymore?

The first time you hit me I was blind,

I didn't see that it was the beginning of something that will never end,

Wore dark sunglasses and put on makeup to hide the bruises,

So people wouldn't see what you had done to me..

The first time you called me a bitch in front of my friends,

I laughed and looked away making it seem like a joke

Did you know I cried myself to sleep that night?

Wondering what I had done wrong? Y was I so imperfect?

The first time you gave me a fractured arm,
I was too numb... too blank.. to think straight,
All my friends told me to get away from you..
And all I could think how i could make up for my mistakes?

The first time you raped me I was scared,

That if I cried you wouldn't want me anymore,

Do u know I spent hours in the cold cold shower?

Washing away filth that wouldn't go away..

I dont know who stares at me in d mirror anymore
I dont know where did that bubbly smiling girl go
I dont know where the guy she feel in love with disappear
Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

A broken spirit...and a crushed pair of wings

Befouled violated body..and a numb mind..

You took and twisted me into someone I don't know

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

-Annie.
P.S: This is a topic very close to me. I have often wondered what makes a woman stay in a abusive relationship... What is that makes her forget that she deserves better? ...Can love really be that blind?

To all my frnds who will be off for MBA...

Heyyyy Guys!!!! (itne saare log hai toh common note for everyone!!! :) )

I knw this is a suprize bt i jus realized hw much i will miss u guys... Suddenly everyones headers on orkut hav changed to "IIM ___ callin" .... n it jus stuck me hw much i m gonna miss u guys..

The times i had wid u in class was d most fun time ever.. d assignments n vivas n d exams...paper balls n d trips.. all d 4 years.. d hanging out.. d bday cakes n d masti.. words jus wont suffice yaar!!! all d times wid u.. made my life at VJ d most amazing time of my life..

I m sure ur future is going to be AWESOME!!! jao sab log IIM ko thoda aur awesome kardo!!! im sure wid all d scholis from around d place... they need scholi's who can freak out!!! lik u guys!! :)

All d best ppl..Chak de fatte...N rem, smile always!!! :)
will miss u all... (sniff)
Luv forever,
Annie. :)

special note i just HAD to add:
Swati, d time wid u in dance practice was amazinggg!!! ill never forget u.. ek lambi si sweetsi ladki.. always so diplomatic lik i always say.. coming from d always politically INcorrect me. .. hehe.. i m sure IIM C is lucky to get one scholi lik u.. hehe... make sure u infuse d campus wid some of d wizrds ka crazyyyyy antics.. though i m nt sure hw they will take it if u throw paper balls.... hehe... :) i soooo wish u cud hav come to d last trip.. we'll all miss u babes!!! If it wudnt hav been for a fantastic beginning of a whole new life for u... we wud hav d most perfect Bye Bye ever!!! :)

And its all over...

Cryptography. Codes. CipherText. Cool. Interesting.
Security. Viruses. Firewall. SMIME. SSL. RC4. Diagrams.
FlowCharts. Sleep. Talking. Google. Facebook. Quizzes.
NewSongs. Texting. Sleepless. Encryption. El Gamal. DES. AES. DSA.
ExamDay. Wht to wear. Paper. Crap. Yawn. SO lengthy. Sigh

.........

Bell rings. Throws up d paper. Yell like mad. Mona n me run up n down n aisle. yelling hoarse. Group hug. Huddle. Smiles. Relief. Come out. Me yell again!!! N set of a chain effect. Ppl from above floors yell too. N heres presenting to u d batch on 2005-2009.. Btech Finally. :)

Main Gate. Class pic. Everyone say Cheeeseee... Sab Deepak ko maaro.. :P Nautanki kahi ka.. :P

Quad. Sign Teeshirts. Hugs. Pics. Basketball for d last time. Free Throw as usual. Sail thru d net. :) As usual. More pics. STARVED.

Ruia ka kattha. Frankie. Fruit Beer. Inside d cricket ground. Laugh. Stare at d couples. Make jokes. Run around. Play kiddish games. Hit ppl. Just like very other day wid d Wizards.

Grass. Sleep. Gaze at d stars. Impromptu questions and answers. First crush. Wildest dream. Make a list of everyone who liked deepak. Lolz. :P Trouble d couples again. Watch d stars. Watch d dogs makin out. LOLZ. Deepak hides his face. Throw grass on each other. Talk.

Is it really d last day as a student?

Slow walk to d station.. Is it really all over? Seems lik yesterday whn we came in to give Applied Mathematics I... was dis d last exam? Wow. time really does fly wid best frnds hm? :)

Train ride back home. Alone. Think a lot. Sweet Nostalgia.

Koi nahi yaar.. kal toh milna hi hai na.. D wizards ka magic will never end. :)

Everything Changes

There was a chill in the air that evening. She pulled her overcoat a little closer to her, hugging herself, that cold autumn day. She needed to keep herself for breaking apart... Atleast not in front of him. Her throat ached and her eyes stung. She hadn’t slept a wink in the night and she felt like she would cry any moment.

The lump in her throat turned more painful when she saw him. He stood at the other end of the empty basketball court. Her breath seemed to catch as she saw him. They walked slowly towards each other… A walk that seemed to take forever when all it took for a few ticking seconds. As she started taking the steps she could feel herself changing. Her happy, funny and perpetually laughing mask seemed to be out of the closet. She pushed away the thoughts and the sleepless night and smiled a bright smile.

"Heyya Sweetypie"

He looked at her with eyes filled with a sea of emotions she couldn’t fathom. He looked at her with a desperation she didn’t want to thaw at the cold that settled around her heart. She wouldn’t ever let him see how much she ached on the inside.

"Are u ok?"

No I am anything but ok. She took d basketball and started to dribble away from him. Refusing to meet his eyes. "Yes of course I am you dummy!!! Why do u ask?"

He appeared in front of her out of nowhere, taking advantage of her being so tiny, blocking off her escape. He took d basketball with no difficulty and put it out of her reach, like the way one would do with a child.

"Heyyy..." She frowned. She cussed. He smiled and that nearly drove her crazy.

"Will u talk to me?" He said turning serious again.

She sighed. Resigned and defeated. They turned and walked to d edge of the court. Sitting down on d steps near d court, he began, "Are u upset with me?"

Yes I am. "Of course I m not… What makes you say that?" she said.

He said in a rush, "You wouldn’t pick up my calls... You wouldn’t reply to my messages.. Where have you been?". His eyes seem to burn down to the depths of her soul, willing her to say the truth.

I was hurting... U hurt me. "I was busy"

"So busy, you couldn’t reply back?"

Do I even exist for you? Can you even see how much I love u? "Areee baba... I was tied up all day. I m here now am I not??"

"You aren’t upset about me being with her are u?" He asked with a worried face.

Yes. I m so upset I can feel my heart break. "Nooo... Why would I be? You are happy. And that makes me happy. You crazy idiot!!"

"I love her a lot. She makes me so happy I can’t imagine being with anyone but her. She makes me feel things I didn’t know I could feel again"

A headache seemed to be building up.. tapping away annoyingly at d inside of her temple. Why was she even here? She should have listened to her best friend. She should at home, in her bed, shut away from d world... she should be alone. She felt something die inside her at his every syllable. She just smiled.

He looked away. Smiling foolishly. She wondered what he thought about? What would she be doing right this moment. What will she say when he proposed to her that night. What would she wear? How she would look in d flowing gossamer veil of white at their wedding? Something that felt horribly like tears prickled at the inside of her eyes. His joy seemed to vibrate out of him… touching everything around him. It made her feel like someone had driven a knife all the way down to the deepest corner of her heart.

Everything screamed at her to tell him about what she was feeling.

I love you so much it makes me crazy to think about you with another woman. I have loved you ever since I saw you first day at college. U had looked so wonderful in your white shirt and blue jeans it had made me go crazy. All these years I was your best friend when every single day I wanted to be more. I wanted to be the woman you imagined spending your entire life with.

It took her super human strength to speak.

“I am happy for you Sweetypie.... You deserve the best. She is very lucky she got you, you know.”

He looked at her then, smiling widely, the crow feet at the corner of his eyes. She wanted to look at anywhere but his face.. and yet she couldn’t stop from falling into love. All over again. With those eyes and that foolish smile. No matter what her mind screamed, she couldn’t look away. He came closer, drawing her in a hug. Kissing d top of her head. She allowed herself a few moments more to dream. She inhaled his scent.. of soap, shampoo, cologne and him. She held him tight because she knew maybe this was the last time she was holding him that way. She squeezed her eyes shut, ordering the tears to hold themselves.. just a few moments more.

She mumbled “I love u.. I love u more than she does.”

He laughed. The rich sound echoing in the empty quad. He ruffled her hair and said “Of course you do. I know you do jaan. You'll always be my number one. You know tat, right!!”

They broke apart and he held her still, smiling at her. She smiled at wooden smile, willing herself to get up and leave.

Please make me stay. Please Please hold me once more. “I need to go. Ill seeya later ok?”

He got up too, snatching the ball and putting in a layup. He said “Ok. Ill call u about what happens tonight. Though I know what the answer will be. You get to be my best man ok??!! Hahahaha..”

She could no longer smile.. starting to walk away from him.. the basketball.. college.. He called out, “Oye.. say Bye atleast!! ”

She waved without looking back. Every step she took seemed to put more distance between them than anything else.

As she reached the edge of the court, he called out again, “Nothing changes.. I love u too ok?”

She stopped in her steps and this time she could stop the tears that came. She nodded and waved again. He couldn’t see because he was already on the phone.

She started to walk again. Putting her hands in her pockets, as the breeze started to pick up. As the day started to get colder.

She whispered, “Everything changes.”

P.S: DO NOT DERIVE ANY CONCLUSIONS OUT OF THIS.

Crimson Tears

Standing all alone… in the middle of nowhere…

No one who cares… breathing fake air…

She feels so distant, ripped from existence…

Got so transparent… lost all substance…

Her shattered heart pounds against her breast…

The pieces cutting holes in her chest…

Slowly she fades… as quickly she drowns…

In the crimson tears that run down her arm…

She wants to scream. She wants to shout…

A prisoner in her skin… wants to let it all out…

But she doesn’t make a sound… keeps it all inside…

Wants to breakaway… but instead she hides…

Alone in her room… quietly sobbing in her shell..

This is her fucked up life… her own private hell…

She’s lost everything that she’s ever had,

Crimson tears seep through her skin because it hurts so bad…

She’ll tilting on the edge, about to fall off…

Her soul so lacerated but mind is so soft…

Is that the smell of red again as it starts to run?

She stares at the crimson tears and wonders…

...What has she done?...

P.S: Don't freak out!!! Wrote this a LONG time back. Around a year back. Just thought of putting it up here.

P.S.S: I m NOT a cutter. Not anymore. Definitely don't encourage it. For all those who lead a secret life as this one, go seek help soon. Because you may not realize it right this moment, but life is way too beautiful. :)

Added Later: 

Not connected to the post... But something that I believe in.... have faith! everything works out in the end! :)

When you come to the edge of the light that you know,
and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things will happen--
there will be something to land on…
or you will learn how to fly.

I Wont Love You Any Less...

Its been 2 week since i hav seen u last

Its been a while since u held me in ur arms

Its been jus 2 weeks since u last smiled at me

But it feels lik an eternity, love...

I didnt know it wud be so easy for you to let me go

So easy to slam down the phone and ignore all calls

I didnt know i meant so little to u...so insignificant

when all this while, u said words that said somethng else...

Moving on, u hav left me shattered.. and confused and lost..

So devoid of strength to pick up the scattered myraid peices..

I feel the gaze of a million mocking eyes, saying "wht was she thinking?!"

Ripping to shreds everythng i had worked so hard to build..

I miss the person who had swept me away years ago,

The one who stood waiting for me a whole night,

The one who sang sweet songs to be to ease my troubles

And the one who stayed awake.. jus to watch me sleep..

I saw u the other day with ur friends,

U were smiling and joking abt somethng i dunt know..

Did u knw, tht the breath swooshed out of my lungs,

Leaving an impossible pain in its wake..

To see u so calm and composed, No hint of sadness in ur eyes..

U seemed lik u had moved on already, erased me lik somethng wrong,

I made my way slowly back home tht day, my legs felt leaden

Thinking hard abt where life was taking me.. where was i goin?

I had no answers abt all the "Why's" in my head,

I had no insight on which way to take, or who to talk to,

But something stuck me hard, as i re-read all ur letters,

And cradled all the toys that sat alone inside my cupboard...

I knew ill never be able to forget u so easy,

I knew ill always miss u... no matter hw many miles seperate us,

And i know so true, that I wont love u any less than now..

simply cz ur, n will always be, the best thing that ever happened to me..

~~~~~~~~~~

P.S: Thanks for everything Bubu.

She's my Guardian Angel..

She came into my life jus as a stranger..

From the other coast of the country..

The miles seperated us, but they couldnt stop..

Me from smiling whnever she came online..

The one i loved broke my heart.. and i was shattered..

I cried days on end.. shedding tears of loneliness..

Wishing it to be over soon..

Wishing i could be newher but here..

My heart broke into a million peices..

Scattering everywhere with each breath i took..

It was difficult to move ahead..

Because i was scared to take another step..

She burst through the darkness..

Like the 'hawtest' angel with wings of gold..

She pulled up up, and shook me wid words..

Both loving, soothing.. and sharp..

Till i began to see how much more i could do..

Than jus sit here and brood on wid the past..

She stayed wid me till i felt better..

Till i could smile again, thru the tears..

Thank u god, for sending me my angel..

Thank u angel, for making me see the way..

Thank u angel, for not givin up on me.. lik i gav up on myself..

Thank u angel, bcz u really are the BESTEST!!!

P.S: Dear Angel, u know who u are!! O, Hawest Godess!! The beautiful one wid the Halo!!... Thanks for everything!! I love u lots! Mwah!!!

BaBy i M So HigH ToniTe...

I am all alone…falling free...
Trying my best to remember …
What happened to me…what happened to us
What happened to my sweet little world,
As I watched it all slip out of my fingers.

The tears have left black mascara streaks
The passerby’s stare
At the poor girl in despair
See, how fucked up her life is
Wonder who’s she sleeping with now?

Baby would you rock me to sleep tonight?
Baby would you tuck me in the sheets?
Would you watch me till I fall asleep…
Coz, baby I m so high tonight…

The needle pricks my skin, as the crimson droplets fall
The picture starts to blur
The colors become bright
The blue and the red
I can feel the high baby…please hold me tight
.

Last time I waited and waited
For just a call.. Just a phone call
I cried a thousand tears for you
Hoping you would come and take me home

You never came baby… did u know I almost died that time?
.

Baby would you rock me to sleep tonight?
Baby would you tuck me in the sheets?
Would you watch me till I fall asleep…
Coz, baby I m so high tonight…

Couldn’t bear to go through the pain this time baby
Couldn’t bear to hear the shrill noise
Of my dreams and hopes shattering.. In myriad pieces
This place I have been before baby
I don’t wanna go there again

So here I m sniffing cocaine instead
  And getting high on the LSD in my veins
Trying to get rid of the motherfucking demons
So that I can concentrate
Concentrate… So I can forget

Baby would you rock me to sleep tonight?
Baby would you tuck me in the sheets?
Would you watch me till I fall asleep…
Coz, baby I m so high tonight…
.

Is it really the time to say goodbye?
Is it really that time to go separate ways?
I don’t blame you darling… but was I really that bad?
That you let me go?

The tears in my eyes… aren’t really for you
Its for someone inside me…who died today
Her last flailing breath… wrenched out of her
With your cruel words… she died
  And I mourn her death

So please baby… just for today…

Baby would you rock me to sleep tonight?
Baby would you tuck me in the sheets?
Would you watch me till I fall asleep…
Coz, baby I m so lonely tonight…

~Annie.

P.S: Feeling the lonliest I have ever felt .... :(

THE ELEMENTS

Varu -- The Song.

Somethings remain in our memories even when they are over. Long gone. The song, for the moment takes away the years off your shoulders, leaving u with.. Just u. The song whispers to you.. Of times good and bad. Of times funny and sad.. There’s a song for everything that happens…It stays with you. All the way till the end. Much like this feisty grl.

Zai -- The Oracle.

She’s the knowledge. The wisdom. The practicality. All encompassing high priestess. Sees things exactly the way they are. No blindfolds can fool her. She knows exactly who u r. One of a kind. She has a softer side she rarely allows the world to see. Hides it behind the intelligent looking glasses. Outwards she’s just the Oracle. It maybe intimidating for some. And deeply venerable for some. For me its both.

Gul -- The River.

Going on.. flowing away, making her course through life… never stopping…always in a hurry. But gives u enough time.. To know her, see the depths… n fall in love with her innocence… which so perfectly conceals the deep wisdom. And the sentimentality. She pulls everything together, cuz she is the one who gives them all…life.

Pranita -- The dew drop.

Like the tiny droplets… reflecting the truth out of the world cloaked in fakeness… she’s the untouched one. Untouched by selfishness and greed. The ethereal beauty. Sometimes, it’s a wonder.. How did she remain so ignorant of all reality? N then I wonder, but isn’t that the best way to be?

Shilpa -- The Attitude.

The fact of life is that not everyone is going to like you, or have a reason for not liking you.. Sometimes life just throws people at you especially designed just to hurt you.. And no matter what u CANT let them get u down. Which means that everyone needs to be dealt with the right attitude. She is the attitude. Steadfast. Strong. Fearless. Gentle. Emotional. The laughter. The tears. The joy. The innocence. The right thing to do.

Monica -- The Moon.

Always calm. Always silent. No one knows what secrets she hides. She shows the light when the light of the whole world dies. Like the friend, who’ll be there…when everyone will leave.

Siddhesh -- The star.

The determination… stuns me sometimes. The insane, yet strangely addictive desire, to excel. The sheer grit to give the best…whatever comes. The one who WILL make it happen. In a world where there’s no place for emotional fools, he will be the practical friend who’s words don’t hurt, but lead u on. And that’s y, for me he’s the Star… in his own right…

Karan --The Vagabond.

The one who believes there’s a lot more to see than what we have already. The one who looks beyond the mundane. Sometimes I feel he’s on some sort of a relentless quest.. For what I don’t know, but it draws me in…the determination. He’s the one who teaches me take the steps. On the path less taken.

Deepak -- The Angel.

Few people in the world are lucky to find a friend who is patient, loving, kind, gentle, truthful, untainted… n impossibly cute.. so it cant just be another person u pass by in the street. It has to be an Angel. Without wings.

Binu -- The Brightest Colors

For me he represents everything bright and beautiful. Everything true and real, everything that brings a smile. Always there. Steadfast and strong for his friends. Caring and giving. In a world so politically incorrect *haha… meaning me*.. He is so correct. He combines the beauty of all the colors that exist. For without him, life would be so utterly… black n white!!

Ashwin - The Mask.

Sometimes the geek, sometimes the enigma, sometimes the flirt, sometimes the hermit, sometimes the laughter, sometimes the stern gaze, sometimes the mocking smirk, sometimes the entire shyness of the world in one.. I have never known the real him. N so for me he is the Mask…

Nik - The Crush.

The stupid jokes n then suddenly the emotional gaze when the old lost strings of a sad song find him.. The laughter for others when sad, the support system when things don’t go as they are supposed to.. Truly represents the adage “laugh like u have never cried… dance like no ones watching.. N luv lyk u have never been hurt!” Something about him draws everyone to him.. N for the majority he will always remain… The first Crush..

Rahul Patil- The Clown.

The Joker of the pack. The Laughter.. whose jokes make no sense.. or do they? Sometimes I feel like he hides a world full of thoughts, pain, melancholy.. Under that bright, funny exterior. Like the eyes that long for a love long lost…or the wise smile that knows everything that goes on in the world.. He’ll see beyond what u’ll show him.. But he’ll remain quiet. Waiting for you to come seek him…

Pratik Shah - The Thread.

The original CR. He brings everything together. Like the neutral threads that weave together the bright and the drab… the fiery and the calm.. The faces in the shadows and the ones in the limelight… not always seen, but steady, unwavering, just behind the curtains.. Weaving a rich tapestry… so aptly called the Wizards…

Mona -- Everything.

A whole lotta punch packed in the wispy little frame.. Sometimes so beautiful, like a porcelain doll.. U will almost be afraid to touch.. lest she breaks. And sometimes the energy of all the elements combined. Emotional and strong. Crazy and wise. So open and clear, allowing you to see the depths…and all at once, the recluse. She’s the breath of fresh air. She is everything.

& Finally...

Ro… The Magic Wand.

Life is a roller coaster… the highs and the lows. Ppl get thru it wid best friends, family, maybe just themselves. I have my very own magic wand. All I have to do is swish it…and suddenly everything tingles with some hidden secret magic. Situations are no longer good or bad… they are just situations… because all that matters is that as long as I’ll have my magic wand… in the end… everything will turn out magical…

P.S. if i have missed u in this post... then it doesnt mean that u dun mean as much as these ppl, above... its simply tht i havent found the right element yet for u... *smiles...*

My dream came true on the basketball court.

It was a windy October day. Woke up in the morning with the mother of all headaches. Oh sweet mamma… * that’s why someone very wise has said don’t try to wash down your heartaches with vodka* but, hey, …it was still a nice breezy morning that also happened to be a public holiday. And its also one that I will remember all my life.

There’s something about trains that’s very comforting when your numb from the inside. That noise. It kind of seeps in, you know. After all these days, I may not remember what I was feeling at that time, but I can still distinctly remember the melody of the wheels on the tracks. Atleast till I reach the wrought-iron gates of college.

It is so silent, I can hear the rhythm of my own heart beat. Not a soul in sight. The deserted corridors are silent and the tap of my shoes echoes in the hallway. I make my way to the basketball court.. and that’s where he is waiting. For me. With the basketball that changed our fates a month ago.

There’s another person there as well. One more person with betrayal in his eyes, eyes that I don’t have the strength to meet. He comes and says "goodbye" and leaves. Out of the court and out of my life. It’s just the two of us now.

It had rained the night before. The small puddles of water reflect the sky that has turned grey now. He comes towards me now, slowly… dribbling the basketball…the voice echoes loudly making my heart beat a little quicker. The quad has never felt so huge before. Funny, how I never noticed how beautiful that tree beside the student store was. I can still hear the rustling of those leaves, the only voice in the silence.

And suddenly he was right before me. The dribbling stopped. He tilted my face up with his finger, looked at me with eyes that unique shade of brown and whispered "I love you". I can’t find my voice because I can feel myself floating away. Headier than I had been last night with that vodka… he comes closer…and…

It starts to rain. Just the way I like it. Just the way dreams come true.


P.S: This is entirely true account of how I met my college sweetheart. He was the basketball captain, and I fell in love with him the first time I saw him sail a perfect three pointer from his trademark zero degree. :)