Feb 14, 2010

Somedays....

There are days when suddenly, out of the blue, I think of you. Your face seems so clear, every expression.. every line on your face, like I saw you just yesterday... It haunts me, hurts me... And suddenly like a person drowning, I want to get away.... Involving myself in something...anything.. so that I wont have to think of you anymore... And it works.. Most days...

Somedays its different.. Sometimes I want to lose myself.. In the past.. In your memories.. because that's the only place I see you that clear... I remember small things, I thought I had lost them all.. Those memories, somewhere beneath all that fighting and crying... But no.. They are still there.. I see them so clear... I see you as clear as yesterday sometimes...

Somedays that ache gets so painful... and yet so sweet... It hurts me, and I make no moves to get busy, to get away... I don't know why I don't do it, when it can take something as simple as a walk outside to get away.. Somedays I just.. linger..

Somedays, my player starts playing those songs, that will always always remind me of you... and I hurriedly change them away, not wanting to meet you in those words and that music... and the memories we made with those songs... And then I forget all about it, with a new song, a new beat..

And somedays I stay up late into the night, listening to those very songs on repeat... Its the exact same feeling of cutting yourself over and over again.. at the same place... and not feeling anything... because the pain on the inside eclipses the pain on the outside... Again and again... And I would know how that feels right?

Sitting at my window, wearing one of the last few things that will always carry the smell of you... You remember dont you? Somedays I cant stand the sight of it hanging by that hook in my cupboard, and somedays, those really cold days, I hang on to it like it was my last remaining fiber of sanity.

Somedays I manage to hate you so much... hating the thought of you.. the years I spent with you... Hating the coward you were.. and the fool I was... Hating that right this moment you are happy and Im not... And that I tried so fucking hard... SO fucking hard... And I couldnt change a thing...

Somedays I am a blank... lost.. confused... wishing desperately for some light... some way... Somedays I want to ask you questions... Somedays I don't want to hear any answers...

Somedays I think of those little things... Chancing upon a card or a wrapper... Somedays I throw it out, feeling nothing at all... Cold and heartless... Like a stone... Somedays I stand with it in my hand for a long time.. and then stuff it back to where I found it... Not feeling anything other than a strange void that suddenly opens up... And some days it makes me cry a bit. I hate that lump in my throat.

Somedays I cry without any reason... Not because I miss you... Not because I think of you.. Some of those times, you aren't even on my mind... Somedays I cry because I feel so fucking empty... A blank. A Void..

Somedays I want to go talk to that guy and tell him I love him. And then I stop and say to myself, how stupid can I be? Love isn't meant for me is it?

Some people are meant to be alone. Always.

~Annie.
P.S: A broken heart is so damn hard to mend....

19 comments:

bondgal_rulz said...

So this was your revenge haan??? You made me cry.

:( :( :(

Dhanya said...

Sad post...

:(

Meera said...

God! Felt like I wrote it!! Will you believe me if I tell you I can perfectly understand? Yes, because I can! I so so can!

And it's sad...I do not know you...but through this vast distance I can only offer you a smile and hug!! So :) and hugs!

Alone doesn't mean lonely dear...do not worry....Somedays will come when you smile, not to show you are happy, but because you are happy. :)

Take care!

Haddock said...

a broken heart takes time to mend.

ANWESA said...

No comments.



Just a hug.

Manjari Singh said...

Ya No comments

Anupam Gupta said...

hey...so as per your command am commenting..:)

u know..i was reading this and wondering about all the things you have told me about him over the phone..and i just couldn't help but hate him for it..

i can't see you like this dear..you know that..please take care..and be happy..

YOU HAVE ME!!!!!

damsel in distress said...

there are sometimes when i really dont like you for reminding me of things i try so hard to forget!

urm..i like the angry laughing rhyming annie better ya know..

again, you know-its not actually ur loss. its his.

buckingfastard said...

cummon...dont do it...not on valentine's day atleast....

beautifully written...and men dont cry...i dint cry( dunt giv dat luk...i swear i dint cry)

happy valentine's day

Destiny's child... said...

ok..since u say u r back to spreading sunshine....yay! :)
Keep smiling...

poonam shivali said...

hey dat ws lovely
really!!!
ws speachless

blunt edges said...

wish there was a comment that would make sense now!

well...SOMEDAYS i just run of things 2 say n all i can manage is a smile :)

purplesilt said...

Ahhh what ice maidens life makes of us no?
Loved the post!
Hated how familiar it sounds!
You make my story read so familiar and ordinary where as I was thinking in all the crying there is some larger purpose I am serving!
I hate remembering sad things.
I am not an ice maiden by choice you know..

Cynthia said...

Oh Yes! So achingly true. Your
style is gentle and honest.
Well-written, Maiden.

IcE MaiDeN said...

@All,

Somedays I just get seriously cranky and then dig up everything that better remain hidden. Just one of those days.... Nothing to worry! :) Im back to spreading sunshine :D

@Cynthia & Purplesilt,

Hello there! Welcome here :)
Thanks for liking the post.

Cheers,
Annie.

Nikki... said...

Your words, your emotions, all are so familiar.. I know how you feel, coz I feel the same.. Guess its one of those days...

Lots of love and hugs.. hope this mood does not last long..

VIDYA said...

That was heartbreakingly beautiful.
I don't want to call it beautiful though,bcoz even though the verse poignant,we'd rather it never happened right?me too.I can totally relate to it..Getting over people is no breeze.

Patty said...

Your post really made me cry too! It reminds me me also on how my heart got broken before when my boyfriend and I broke up. I hated remembering everything that reminded me of him and I even hated living my life. Then my mother introduced me to a Thetahealing session and this Theta healing therapy helped me love myself more and because of that, my boyfriend and I got back again and I've never been this happier now that he's in my life again.

Ganesh Dhamodkar said...

Still crying!!!

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