Somedays....

There are days when suddenly, out of the blue, I think of you. Your face seems so clear, every expression.. every line on your face, like I saw you just yesterday... It haunts me, hurts me... And suddenly like a person drowning, I want to get away.... Involving myself in something...anything.. so that I wont have to think of you anymore... And it works.. Most days...

Somedays its different.. Sometimes I want to lose myself.. In the past.. In your memories.. because that's the only place I see you that clear... I remember small things, I thought I had lost them all.. Those memories, somewhere beneath all that fighting and crying... But no.. They are still there.. I see them so clear... I see you as clear as yesterday sometimes...

Somedays that ache gets so painful... and yet so sweet... It hurts me, and I make no moves to get busy, to get away... I don't know why I don't do it, when it can take something as simple as a walk outside to get away.. Somedays I just.. linger..

Somedays, my player starts playing those songs, that will always always remind me of you... and I hurriedly change them away, not wanting to meet you in those words and that music... and the memories we made with those songs... And then I forget all about it, with a new song, a new beat..

And somedays I stay up late into the night, listening to those very songs on repeat... Its the exact same feeling of cutting yourself over and over again.. at the same place... and not feeling anything... because the pain on the inside eclipses the pain on the outside... Again and again... And I would know how that feels right?

Sitting at my window, wearing one of the last few things that will always carry the smell of you... You remember dont you? Somedays I cant stand the sight of it hanging by that hook in my cupboard, and somedays, those really cold days, I hang on to it like it was my last remaining fiber of sanity.

Somedays I manage to hate you so much... hating the thought of you.. the years I spent with you... Hating the coward you were.. and the fool I was... Hating that right this moment you are happy and Im not... And that I tried so fucking hard... SO fucking hard... And I couldnt change a thing...

Somedays I am a blank... lost.. confused... wishing desperately for some light... some way... Somedays I want to ask you questions... Somedays I don't want to hear any answers...

Somedays I think of those little things... Chancing upon a card or a wrapper... Somedays I throw it out, feeling nothing at all... Cold and heartless... Like a stone... Somedays I stand with it in my hand for a long time.. and then stuff it back to where I found it... Not feeling anything other than a strange void that suddenly opens up... And some days it makes me cry a bit. I hate that lump in my throat.

Somedays I cry without any reason... Not because I miss you... Not because I think of you.. Some of those times, you aren't even on my mind... Somedays I cry because I feel so fucking empty... A blank. A Void..

Somedays I want to go talk to that guy and tell him I love him. And then I stop and say to myself, how stupid can I be? Love isn't meant for me is it?

Some people are meant to be alone. Always.

~Annie.

P.S: A broken heart is so damn hard to mend....