Longing.

You know how it physically hurts to drift away from someone, when you know in your heart you do not want to. And it is almost shocking when you allow yourself to go back in the past and dig up memories of shared closeness? You just have to move on and tell yourself that you grew up. The one you held dear grew up too. And you are just two completely different people, ... and that is all there is to it. Sounds so simple when you put it that way, people just grew up.

And yet, some days you sit and try to remember when was it that you had started to drift apart? When was it that this 'growing up' happened? Was it when you had your first real heart break? Was it when quit tying your hair into two pigtails and traded wearing ugly black school boots for shiny new college heels? Was it when you somehow made it to graduation finish line without having a complete breakdown and stepped out into the big bad world? Or was it when, corporate life killed all semblance of a social life that once existed, quickly distancing you from everyone that exists in your world? 

You may never know when you grew up.

It will be almost funny to remember how, staying in two different states, meeting only but twice a year for short vacations, was enough for two people to be the closest of friends and now staying in the same city, barely an hour away from each other, and the conversation never goes beyond an occasional Whatsapp. You will never know when memories become things of the past, stashed away somewhere on the top of the closet, wrapped in an old sheet, covered with a film of dust by now. Forgotten, because people moved on.

Remember how a decade and a half ago, life was full of all these amazing stories - like that one time you got blasted for ruining mom's sarees - two sets, one for each of the moms - in order to make a make-shift tent on that terrace you spent almost all of your time on. Or like spending endless hours, armed with only that old blue comb, inventing hairstyles that could be worn to school. Or that one time, you lay close giggling in the middle of the night, torch light in hand, looking up meanings to words in that faded old Oxford dictionary, you dare not ask anyone else. When you began a ritual to 'treat' each other with pocket money saved over Diwali, when a cheese grilled sandwich, pavbhaji and two bottles of old Coke, amounting to a mere 50 rupees, was an expensive luxurious meal for two. 

That time when you breathlessly declared that you had fallen in love with that guy who had grown taller and considerably attractive last fall, and definitely seemed to make some suspicious eye contact with you at Holi. And then the winter after that, spending hours on that same terrace, calls names to the same guy in childish fury, for breaking your heart to pieces. Spending an entire night brushing aside boys and their silly antics, to talk about life and career and fucked up families and a future you were too scared to confront.

It all faded away. The terrace grew too small, the heartbreaks got too big. The future we were so worried about, became the present... one in which you were just a figure on the sidelines. Marriage happened, kids followed. New families happened. New responsibilities happened, and  all our childish playthings were packed away. We went from knowing all to knowing barely anything. This wasn't just falling out of touch, this was more. This was not just growing up, this was growing out of each other. 

It happens. I know. But just this once, can we go back to 90's again and stay there a while longer?

~ Annie. 

P.S: I miss you M. :(

P.P.S: Something that would have come easily to me otherwise, but for some reason it didn't this time around - That time you called me at 4AM, while you were awake tending to your kid and I was awake tending to my sick kitten, and we giggled quietly whispering about how we were now mom's feeding our babies.... I swear I was back to our sleepover when we slept out in the hall, giggling at 4AM. 

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Now Playing: To Make You Feel My Love | Kris Allen

Blogger stats and related revelations! :D

So I read this recent post by PeaBee, in which she mentioned some of her blog's stats, which got me very curiously on my own dash, looking through all the 260 - two hundred and sixty? WOW! - posts and checking out my blog stats! I have added^ / edited* some questions, and I seriously recommend you do this activity in case you have been (like me) blogging for a while! Total walk down memory lane, this one. :)

My first post: Hello World
Okay this is mortifying. As we can see, I had an insane tendency to use a lot of full stops and exclamation points. And utter disregard for correct spelling. In my defense, this was FIVE years ago. And it is ironic and funny how, my life DID turn into a human-rights, save-the-animals themed story. :)

My first fiction piece: Euphoria
I don't think I have ever truly written fiction on this blog - it always had scenes, characters, places straight out of my own experiences, but for all practical purposes, this was the first 'story'. 

The post in which I revealed stuff about myself: Tag & TAG v2
A bunch of this is not applicable anymore, especially the parts about Ro. Inward cringing happening. While husband dearest goes, haan haan likho apne EX boyfriend ke baare mein! The man can do so much drama, jeez! :D

First comment: Apurva on 50 Reasons Why I Love You 
Okay. Awkward. 

First follower: Satan's Darling
I remember this one, even though it doesn't reflect so right now on my dash. I think unfollowing happened, then following back later happened - we've been through a bit. 

*The blog post that led to a real life fight: At Deception Point
HAHAHHAHAHA! Incidentally, my 4th post! I had no idea that the person mentioned in the post blogs regularly / reads my recently created blog at all in the first place! Things went from bad to worse to disastrous  and eventually a huge fall out happened (with no drama or violence, phew!). Even though we got to being civil to each other after a while, especially since this love of my life in the aforementioned post and I broke up, but we never really patched up. 

So yes. Kids, do not write a blog about it. Facebook it instead. Quick and dirty. :P

My most viewed post: 15 Greatest Guitar Riffs Of All Time
Had no idea this was the one. But take this seriously, if you dislike any song on this list, you will no longer be a friend.

My personal favorite post on this blog: 
In Loving Memory - This post has given me, my maximum number of email comments. It is funny how I was at, like Rachael puts it - 'Rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, and then me.' sort of place, and I had just... given up when I wrote this post. And my catharsis began almost as I hit 'publish'. Of all the posts in which I said I was finally getting over shit, I started in the one where I said I will never get over it. Funny how life works out right? :)

Girl - Opening a blank document after a really, really long hiatus from writing fiction, and by discovering you still 'got it'. This was that comeback post.

31 Day Challenge - I pulled off one post everyday for 31 days. Anyone who knows me, knows exactly how lazy I am with things like these (unless it involves me getting paid :P). Completing this challenge was one of the highlights of my blogging history.

Blog post with most comments: Baby When Did Your Hands Grow So Cold
Wow this is from so long ago (again, please pardon the disregard for normal, correctly spelled out English), I had no idea this was my most commented upon post. I always thought it was Good Girl Gone Bad.

The post which won me my very first blog competition: Hello (shortlisted for first place) & In Loving Memory
Almost as a rule, I NEVER take part in any blogger forums, communities, contests, award-giving (anymore), prompts, follow-backs because a while back I watched as things got really ugly on one of these forums. There came this phase when EVERYONE wanted a vote or a like or a comment, and things got personal if you politely declined. IMHO, it all always came down to how popular you were with the community, as opposed to how good you actually wrote. The above mentioned contest was on a blog that I had been following for a while, and thought they were pretty fair in their contests / reviews.

^How many drafts you've got? 40! WOW! :D

^From your dash, list the search keywords that lead to your blog? LOL! Here they are:

• 50 reasons why i love you
• human torch
• 25 reasons why i love you
• 50 reasons you love someone
• candel love
• happiness pink floyd
• ice maiden blog
• 25 reason why i love you

^HOW MANY BLOGS DO YOU HAVE? I added this question, because my answer might shock you. NINE. :D
Apart from this one, 5 more on Blogger - 3 no longer functional, 2 on hiatus.
2 on WordPress - just for trial purposes, never liked WP. 
1 secret Tlog. :P 

This was fun! :D

~Annie.

P.S: On a completely unrelated note, I CANNOT WAIT FOR JULY!! :D

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Now Playing: Love Will Come Through | Travis

Why hello again.

So, dusting cobwebs and generously dousing the place with air fresheners, here I am, out of my blog hiatus. 2 questions - why was I gone and why am I back?

First, easy to answer, I was super busy. As we may be aware, I was on my conquest of the 26 before 26, specifically the 'Do atleast 5 weddings / 20 portraits, the paid kind'. Yes dear awesome people (who still read this blog :P), I have recently crossed off my list item with flourish. This has kept me so busy that hardly anything else has moved from my list!

Second, a little more difficult to answer, but I think I am now wise enough to add my two cents to a piece I read today - 6 Vital Questions To Ask Before You Are Ready To Say I Do. Call it a critical analysis if you will. I'd like to say - great piece whoever wrote it (since the byline was missing.. or mysteriously placed elsewhere), good flow, some great points. So here is what I have to say / add about the whole topic:

In summary, the author makes these 6 points:

1. Do we want similar things in life?
2. Do we understand and fulfill each other's needs?
3. Do we know each other’s secrets - atleast the important ones?
4. Do we know how to deal with each other's not-so-rosy sides?
5. Do we admire and respect each other as individuals?
6. Am I ready to think of him/ her as a parent to my children?

1 & 4 - very important. However the examples the author uses in the post, are fickle at their very best. More on that later.

6 - Extremely presumptuous as I tweeted to the publication. Having children is not end goal to a marriage, there are plenty of people who want to get married for other reasons than procreating. Exhibit A.

@tamarindrice Great 2nd issue, but in 'Are you ready to say I do?' I thought #6 was a little presumptuous- not all couples want children. :)
— Annie(@IceMaiden512) May 27, 2013

On 2. & 3.
I believe its not about how LONG you have known each other, its about how WELL. Sometimes people will look for things when they aren't there. Also one of the reasons why people have so much difficulty leaving people - we are all looking for things in the other person, which are probably not there. So being with someone for 6 months could equal to being with someone for 6 years - it would make no difference to how ready you are to get married. Do you really know the person? This DOES NOT mean how similar you are - it means do you know the differences? Think about it.

About secrets. Let's face it, we all have secrets. Some good, some bad, some mortifying. What do you do about those when you are in a relationship that is potentially heading for marriage? There is a fine line between being explicit, down to every detail to every story and being brief about the story. So spill your secret carefully. Lets not paint a vivid picture in the other person's mind, but at the same time let's not pretend to be someone we are not. At the end of the day, the kind of secrets you have, are in turn the experiences you've had, and that goes a long way into shaping the kind of person you are.

On 4. -
Let me list down things you should run far far away from, if your other half does these things:
- ANY sort of abuse. Mental, physical. Run dear person, because I assure you with the finality of that first word / fist you had to go through - it WILL happen again. And you deserve better than that. Marriage will not change anything. Run and do not look back.
- AND THAT IS IT.

Sorry folks, lets remind ourselves you are marrying a different person! He / she is different than you are! The only difference that cannot be overcome is listed above. See, the little secret of life is people change. It is easy to adjust, find common ground and build up from there, if you WANT to. He is a dog person, you are a cat person? Pbbt. Can. Be. Solved. He likes being with family and you don't? Can. Be. Solved. You want to settle down and she does not want to? Can. Be. Solved.

And the reason why all of these things (and more) can be solved is the same you came together in the first place. You both are two civilized people in love, and (referring to 2&3) you got into it when you knew there were differences, so lets sit down and talk about it. Let's find that common ground. Lets create rules about things that can be done and cannot. Let's think logically about differences and what can be done about it! And, if talking about it is getting you nowhere, take a break away from the person and cool off. Cooling down gives you an excuse to reevaluate the decisions you were fighting for. It gives you a new perspective on things. Who knows, maybe you will change certain things, adjust a little. And lastly, even after that if you know you are not happy with current arrangements, you will know in your heart what you are ready for and what you are not.

And 6. I am going to pass over completely, because it sounds a lot like what my mom had said in the past to which I replied with this - thank you, but MY legacy to the world will be something more substantial. So - Are you a baby person? Is he/she? (It's okay not to be!) Put some thought into it and go back to the above paragraph. Understand differences, talk about them, reach common ground.

No, a relationship does NOT reach any level of maturity before you need to take it to the next step. Relationships happen as they are supposed to, they are a reflection of the kind of people you both are from the inside - slow, fast, romantic, practical, beautiful, ugly, complicated - its all within us. At some point in these very kinds of relationships, two people decide to take it to a new different level, that is all. Marriage changes people to think that a milestone has been achieved, so they can rest now. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. You need to work twice as hard on your marriage as you did for your relationship. :)

That is it folks. There is no checklist that you can be given to you before you get married, that you can cross off and then take the plunge. It simply does not work that way. Take the plunge with a person that you love, knowing their differences, problems, quirks, idiosyncrasies - and everything else can be worked upon. :)

Annie.
P.S: Because it is entirely coincidental that the examples the author uses in the post are something that I CAN relate to - well, I must! :P I got engaged to the guy I dated for six months, I am an anti-family, cat person to his pro-family, no animal person. I am literally the Meredith to his Derek. :P We are making it work. Everyone can.

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Now Playing: Swan | Unkle Bob

So You Think You Can Dance!

Working alone can make you seriously lose track of time... because you are wasting so much of it! :| To cut a long meaningless story short, I landed on my favourite part of YouTube again - SYTYCD re-runs. :)

Here are some of those perfect, beautiful, flawless dance routines, that never grow old, never seem any less fascinating or any less beautiful, no matter how many times you see them. These are some of the best dancers I have ever seen.. and I so wish they had dancers / choreographers like these back here in India!

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

So far, it has only been me and the bestie who love watching Grey's Anatomy.

Maybe because we both were introduced to the series very recently, and have been obsessed with it so far. I had been meaning to catch it for ages, but it was only recently that I managed to get hold of all the seasons and LITERALLY watched them in one go. I actually bunked work one Monday (!) because my head was aching from all the continuous hours of watching the series and then stayed in all day watching some more. Haha.

Why?

This is a rant. 

Ending the year with a list!

If I was ever asked to give a success tip, I would definitely say 'Make a list!'. Everything I have going for me in the present, was a line item on a list I made sometime in the past. Of course some lucky things also followed of their own accord. But making a list and obsessively following it, is a way to ensure that your goals remain on your mind and within sight. At all times. Trust me, it works.

Turning 25

Best. Birthday. Ever. That is the only way to describe 5th December 2012.

Having suffered through a panic attack about one week before my birthday this year (panic about turning 25, and crossing over to the 'adult' list from the 'young adult' one), my birthday was by far the most awesome, wonderful birthday I have ever had. The strange part being I celebrated it with only 3 people (Nutties and two school-time best friends), zero internet connectivity, no phone in my hand, total disconnect from the world!

The Year That Was.

Most of this year can be summarized as things I have learnt from my cats. 

As everyone who is on my Facebook knows (I seem to say that a lot don't I? Wow. My FB is REALLY my life feed! :P) I adore my boys. They have grown beautifully from the frail tiny little, fitting-in-my-palm kittens they were when they came into my life. Over time, they have also developed a distinct personality about themselves. Even though they are brothers, they are as different as chalk and cheese! 

A Chapter Closes.

Moving is hard.

You have to pack up the smallest and biggest of all your things, try to cram your entire life into a box. Find a house made of bare walls, with perhaps some remnants of the previous owners personality, and then try to wash it all away and pin up yours.

Moving is especially difficult, if you have to divide up the things in your old house into two boxes, that very well might say 'mine' and 'ex's'.

I cannot recall the last time I dreaded the thought of a weekend. The estate agent had called on Tuesday, she said they had found someone who wanted to move in. She makes some small talk, tells me they are just like us. A young couple eager to move into a cozy apartment. I hope they break up. I hope they hate moving in. I hang up, and leave him an email. He replies soon, says he will meet me at the apartment on Saturday.

On Saturday, I drive to the apartment, I see his car is already parked outside the complex. The watchmen greets me with his customary gap-toothed smile, he still remembers me. I nod back with a small smile and make my way up. I remember the first day I had walked out of the building after seeing the apartment. Such a long time ago, such a foolish happiness.

I walk into the apartment and see that he has already started. He is vacuuming under the small, worn out sofa bed in the hall. Much of our precious and important things we took away with us months ago, when we parted ways. Clothes. Shoes and tooth brushes. What remained back were little pieces of us here and there, that needed to be trashed, or put away in boxes. 

'Do you want this?' he asks, holding up a packet of condoms he finds under the coffee table. I believe they are there from the last time we had sex, on the couch, under the influence of a lot of alcohol. I glare at him and curtly answer, No. Inwards I think, What the fuck am I supposed to be doing with them? Blow up chocolate flavored balloons? Idiot.

'Okay what about these?'. In his hand he is holding up a jar. Back in the day when we fancied ourselves living the cool, explorer life, we had taken numerous weekend trips. To far off and wonderful little nooks and corners of the country. And imprisoned all those memories in transparent mason jars. One autumn, we took off in the middle of the night to Goa. On a secluded beach somewhere down south, we had collected sand and shells and little trinkets a street-side vendor girl had sold us for five rupees each. Put them all in a jar, hoping to forever keep the adventure alive. 

'No. What will I do with it? Carry it with me all the way to UK?' I stress on UK, silently emphasizing the new beginning I had chosen. That I had made my choice, I was taking the job. He silently drops the jar in the trash bag. 

'Well atleast you might want this.' I turn around, ready to snap at him, but he is holding up a clay pig. Painted baby pink, a short tail with a curled tip and a slit on its back. 'My gullak!' I exclaim. I take it and shake it, it is heavy and almost full of coins. 'You always said, you will give it away to... someone... I don't remember who.. -' 

'The old lady who sells safety pins on the bridge at the station. Thought I might help her by buying out all of her safety pins.' I smiled as I said this, some of my bad mood weathering away. 'Yeah, I am sure she does not have terribly huge savings.' he says with a short laugh. I laugh along, and then he pulls me in for a hug. It is not one of those romantic crushed-to-the-bone hugs, rather a comforting tangle of arms, on days sadness comes unexpectedly, and you need someone to lean on. 

Ours had been a whirlwind romance, a heady mess of coffee shops lattes, movies, dinner dates and sex. We were pretty happy here once, in our little home, for the initial few months when the shock of a new relationship excites you. We had our moments, yes, but when it all came down to the routine, after all the first impressions were done... we found that we were as different as different can be. Isn't it strange how blind being in love can make you? We both came from different worlds, and we both had our own sets of issues. It was apparent that our worlds were never to meet and be one. Definitely not forever. We had parted ways, amicably, with little word play and almost no tears. And we had done a great job at staying apart, moving on. After all, it was the right thing to do.

I pick up a book from the top of his almost full box. 'God I cannot believe you want to keep this book! I thought you said it was boring.' He chuckles, 'I'll look intellectual with The Secret on my bookshelf. No one will know I found all my life's questions answered in Calvin and Hobbes comic strips instead.' We both burst out laughing. 'You know what? Let's forget all this. Let's go get a drink!' 

I smile, look around our old apartment, the warm 5 o' clock sunshine just streaming in through the west window. 'Yes. Let's do that.'

We walk out of the apartment to grab our last drink, me closing the door on behind us. Turning the key in the lock, I smile again, and imagine - hope - that the couple that will move in next week make a home out of this house and are really happy together. Happier than us. For a long time to come.

~ Anita.

P.S: I believe this, out of all the posts I have ever written, was truly completely fictional. Although, like always the places and names are drawn from memory.

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Now Playing: Wreck of the day | Anna Nalick