Oct 27, 2009


"What hurts the most ... was being so close"
- Rascal Flatts

I had not expected a lot of comments on my last post. Infact I had not expected any comments at all.. maybe hysterical phonecalls :P *which I got*, some super angry yelling *which also I got*.. Least of all, I had expected the object of my affection to come here, read the post, knowing its for him.. and well... dying in utter shock :P Ok jokes apart, since I think my readers have a right to know, how far along am I in my miserable love story, well, the news is... that there is NO story. Anymore. *sigh!* Well heres what happened..

So a lil birdie told him to go see my blog because the latest post 'was meant for him'. This was done apparently because I will never tell him the same myself, which is probably as close to the truth as it is. So anyway he came, he saw and he refused. *sad smile* No, it isnt the girl in question but the scars run deep *which I dont quite believe true, its probably the safest way to say no and not hurt me* and yes, we still remain friends *which also looks quite bleak anyway* So all in all its one big mess.

Im not the sort of person who has flings. Definitely not the kind to like someone and forget that soon. In his own words Im supposed to have no expectations and as strange as it may sound, I have absolutely none. Lolz. Im weird I know. But then again, I cannot, simply cannot forget what I feel for him. And the stupid duffer still makes me smile. Even now when conversation is down to a bare minimum. *bangs head on desk and wails loudly* :P

So after a miserable 2 days, I was brooding *myyyy gawwwddd!!!! it SO doesnt become me.. sheesh!* and thinking about stuff. I realised that Life is such a strange thing. It doesnt wait for anyone.. anything. No matter what you do.. maybe something good... or something bad.. it always gives you a new day. A new chance. You get hurt and it gives you time.. to heal all wounds, to help you reclaim your happiness. You wish for a lot of things in life, some of those wishes end up coming true... and some, well they dont. Maybe that is the best way to it all. I may not make any sense, but thinking about that made me a lil bit calmer.

And the best part of Life is that it gives you people that are just perfect for you. To hurt you, to teach you, to make you stronger and a few special ones to strip you down to your truest self. I have had them all. I have the bestest friends in the whole world. People who care for me so much that me being upset makes them call me 10 times in a day to make sure Im not thinking too much. Thanks you guys! :)

Another good thing about life is how it gives us little small sized suprises. How you sit at office, upset because you so desperately like someone while that person may not even talk to you as before ever again, brooding about life but putting up a happy face because thats how people like to see you.. and then the popup appears.

'You have 1 new mail'

P.S: More on that mail later. *creates mystery and leaves with a grin on her face*

Oct 23, 2009

Nuts about you...

I wish I could tell you how crazy Im about you..

I wish I could tell you that your feather-light touch on my hand, as you fingered my tattoo, oh-so-softly, made tiny electric currents run down my spine... no touch had ever felt so intimate...

I wish I could tell you that.. no, I dont get butterflies in my tummy whenever I talk to you... nor do I imagine seeing a future with you.. the sort of things you do generally... but I know that talking to you makes my insides fill with a warm feeling... and I m still wondering WHY I always always smile whenever I hear your voice.

I wish I could tell you that I think about you every day.. every second.. N all my friends have to do is to turn and catch me smiling to know you are on my mind...

I wish I could tell you that it makes me incredibly happy to be one of your closest friends, while each second I wish I could be someone more than that..

I wish I could tell you it makes me bitterly jealous to know you have been out with her, but happy too, because well.. atleast someone out of the two of us is happy... so what if it isnt me... *sad smile*

I wish I could tell you that you talking about her making my heart clench in a way that makes it difficult to breathe.. you talking about being confused.. might not mean anything to you or her... but it hurts me like someone was physically hurting me... because it means she's still there in a place I can never fill...

I wish I could tell you that when you talk about never wanting to get hurt that way again.. I feel like telling you I promise I will never hurt you ever.. look at me..

I wish I knew all the answers.. I wish I could ask you all the questions...

Like an utterly foolish person I wish someday you would turn and hold my hand and say Im nuts about you too.. *sighh!!!!*

Why dont I say all of that?..

Well maybe because.. I know I will never mean as much to you as she does.. maybe because I know you will never hold onto me as you did for her...

maybe because.. she is so near... whereas Im so so far..

maybe because... I am afraid. Of losing you. Because you being in my life, even if just as a friend, means much much more to me than you will probably ever know.

maybe because.. I am just afraid.. no reasons.. just scared totally out of my wits..

maybe because...you might never have thought of me in that way.. maybe never will...

maybe because.. I am probably the last person you might ever think about in that way.. simply because Im so plain.. nothing about me is even the slightest bit interesting.. *sad smile*

maybe because there might be a millions girls nuts about you.. and Im just one random person in the crowd for you...

P.S: I'm so totally NUTS about you...

Oct 18, 2009

Mindblowing Welcome - III

The guys who have come in are very drunk and immediately the guys form a protective circle around us. :P Drunk#1 takes one look at the open vending machine, the coke in Deepaks hand, and looks like hes going to have a spasm :P Drunk#2 is a wimp of sorts who obviously looks up to & acts like he follows all instruction by Drunk#1.

Drunk#1 quickly summarises the issue at hand in his own words - we are the drunk youngsters *which we were NOT!!!*, who decided to stay back in the dining hall when everyone else has gone back to their rooms *we were FORCED to stay there because of the freaking hail!!!* & we decided to vandalize the hall.. *rolls eyes* :

Comes next is the most hilarious convincing game we have ever played :P
Drunk#1 : Yeh dekho yeh diwal, aap logon ne todd ki (accusingly) Look here, you people have broken this wall.
Pratik : (calmly) Humne nai todi baba, dekho yeh darwaza, hawa se yeh zorse takraya aur diwal ki frame ki wajah se toot gaya.. We didnt do anything, because of the wind, the door slammed into the wall & it broke because of the frame.
Drunk#1 : (vehemently) mereko c****** mat banao. main engineer hu!!! dont make a fool of me, im an engineer
Gulshan: (even more aggressively) Aree toh hum kya hai? Hum bhi engineers hai!!! Accha aisa hai toh aap diwal todd ke batao!!! :P :P :P Then what are we? We are also engineers. if it is indeed so the break the wall & show me!!
Deepak & Pratik hurry toward to calm down our Batinda ki sikhni :P

Next these people go into a half an hour worth of lectures which started at kharab quality of cement used for building the wall and ranged over the entire Mechanics we learned in 1st year, & finally ended when Drunk#2 took the discussion to deeper waters when he spotted the coke bottle which was STILL in the idiot's hand! *rolls eyes*

Drunk#1 : yeh coke toh aapne churayi haina??!!! chori toh ki hai!! You have stolen the coke!!
Everyone looks here & there, wondering how to get out of this.
Deepak says: Haan toh yeh to maine li hai, toh aap merese paise le lo.... Main subah dene wala tha paise, yaha pe koi nai tha... he finishes rather lamely :P I have taken it, so take the money from me, There was noonbe here I was going to give the money in the morning.

After half hour of convincing , during which the storm calmed down to a slight wind & occasional lightening, we girls started getting really bored of the whole drama, Shilpa enquired (its around 1.30 in the night) is there any chicken left around here??!! :P , in true wizards style, we even took a few pics here & there, people posing & all, while Pratik & Deepak (the CR's of the class btw :P) sorted out the whole matter.

Finally after a long Bollywood like eventful night, we set out from the dining hall, its still dark, but there is no hail, its cold & my wet clothes are making me shiver like mad.. & then me & Pranita spotted something that made us shreik. The guys came running forward, anxiously looking at us, expecting some exclamation like "snake!" or "tiger!" lolz. As it turns out, the wind had shook up the mango trees all over the hotel area & the ground was strewn with kairi's (raw mango). And as expected me & Pranita went mad, running in opposite directions gathering up the mangos as if they were made of gold :P

We reach our rooms, & its starts to rain again. Deepak is disappointed his Bollywood fantasy didnt come true, and to cheer him up *wink wink* we invite him up to d girls room :P He, as expected, jumps at the chance, actually going in his room to check his hair & dab some perfume. lolz :P We trudge up to the CC's room (my room) where we throw the guys out & get changed of the wet clothes & the girls crib about how they are running out of night suits & then claiming my extra ones :P (I had 5 of them... what??!! I ALWAYS carry unneccsary stuff.. lolz Im a girl!! :P)

We go to the adjoining room, where a dumb charades session is already on the way. I go join Nik's team & take advantage of Mundu in the other team by giving movies like "syed abrahim ko tsunami se daar lagta hai" :O *we always give such crazy home productions :P* where Mundu hits the people sitting in the front row while depicting the word Tsunami *apparently this signifies destruction, hence he hit people :O :P :D* At last they get the movie *rolls eyes*. Nik is even more shana, he has invited signs for Biology, Physics & Chemistry (because we normally give complicated words from these subjects :P) & so we quickly get all the movies :P People start falling asleep & the Deepak proposes to shift the game to his room *in a come-hither-sultry voice* we throw pillows on him (and I think we even threw Rahul ON him) and shut him up :P

The dumb charades continued for hours, laughing & joking & dancing. We absolutely LOVED the first day of our 10 day trip, & at 5 in the morning, we girls retire to our rooms & another session starts - GOSSIP!!! :P :D :D the details of which I obv cant give here. :P We finally slept when the first rays of dawn started to creep into the room.

Morning revealed more secrets from the night. The funniest of which is this : Yogi had put this clothes in the evening to dry out on trees in the lawn *why would ANYONE do that!!! sheesh!!! :P* & during the storm all this clothes flew away & were found miles away from the original spot. But very strangely his underwear was in the same place. Making us all wonder, how can jeans fly away but not underwear!!! This provided the source of "IronMan Underwear" & "Yeh andaar ki baat hai" jokes all through the remainder of the trip...


Damn I miss the awesome days! *sad smile* :)


Oct 11, 2009

Mindblowing Welcome - II

We run to the dining hall that is dark and empty, but thankfully open for us to take shelter from the cold rain. The wind chimes make the most beautiful sounds as the wind kicks up a strom, trees and leaves swaying like they were made of paper. Shilpa and I are overcome with excitement as we get drenched to our skins in the cold harsh rain. We all stand on the front steps, reluctant to go in, take shelter because right then in the darkness, with not a single soul in sight, this was turning out to be quite some night.

Half of us are getting wet when some cold and INCREDIBLY heavy lands on my head. I give a howl of pain and squint up and realise that it was ice. Its raining HAIL!!! Cussing and howling we run into the hall, as big huge hailstones droped from the sky. The echoing sound in the darkness sounded like gunshots. The door refused to stay put and kept banging against the frame. We all wondered what to do next. It looked like we were stranded.

Pratik, Deepak and I try our engineering heads to somehow attach a big spoon used earlier in the night to serve chicken, to hold the door in place. After few miserable attempts we finally manage to shut the door. We all gather near the door, talking excitedly (my head injury all forgotten :P) All too soon, thanks to deepak, a Bollywood like situation was envisioned, with a group of young enthusiastic idiots forced to spend the night in a room togther as it rained (hailed) outside with no escape in sight. Maybe some singing and dancing (again thanks to deepak :P) Maybe some Bhoot ki kahaniyan. Our excitement knew no bounds. So its decided that we gather up some chairs and get cosy.

Deepak in his enthusiasm has gone to the Coke vending machine and finds that it is unlocked. So smartass decides its a awesome thing and grabs a coke and turns to us yelling 'Hey guys look at this!!!' Some of us are overjoyed and step towards the machine.

Then two things happened at the same time.

As our backs are turned towards Deepak, one huge hailstone comes and crashes right on the door glass. And a big crack runs right across it, it dislodges the spoon and with full force the door does a 180, sweeping over where we were standing exactly 2 seconds ago, and bangs on the wall. And large peices of the wall come crashing down.

For a split second noone moves a muscle.

Before we could make some sense of the broken door, the fast crumbling wall and the coke in Deepaks hand, two big burly men, also very drunk, come pushing into the room. They looked like they were the people in charge and boy oh boy, they did NOT look happy at all!

To be continued....

Oct 8, 2009

Mindblowing Welcome - I

5th June 2009' .. Late evening..
Jim Corbett National Park.

The Wizards have finally reached Hotel Nirvana in Jim Corbett National Park after a long drive from Delhi, which was like a burning furnace. The heat has made us all tired as hell, and reaching our destination has made us all heave a sigh of relief. The hotels name puts Varu in a Nirvana song singing spree and she cant get enough of "Lithium". I m tired and hauling my BIG bag upstairs to our 1st floor room, has me wheezing for breath. The room is small but cosy, with a balcony overlooking a nice lawn. The sight of the AC makes us all go "Ahhhhhh" as we fall onto the bed, and for a while noone moves a muscle. We quickly discover something strange in the electricity system around the place. The AC being on means everything else goes kaput (weird i know) We refused to turn off the AC even for a second so we had to take showers in the dark. Since I take the longest time, I m the last one to freshen up. I start to feel human again after a cold water bath (singing "come as you are" in d bathroom) and I make my way alone to the dining hall which is at the end of the hotel grounds. After a good dinner of chicken (Ahhh) and YET another paneer dish, we make our way to the edge of the swimming pool and everyone takes up some seat, in chairs, loungers, and sunbathing chairs..

The sky is the color of ink, its getting colder, and as we are lounging there, some people decide to go catch up on some sleep. The CC's (me n my girlies) and few other wizards are reluctant to go, cz the breeze feels amazing. We sit there talking and joking, laughing and planning the next day. Suddenly, there was a flash at the horizon, and everyone sighs in relief. FINALLY the rains were going to make an appearance. Shilpa argues that it wasnt lightening, someone was taking pics and that was the flash. That has us rolling in laughter around the pool side. :P Soon enough, she is proved wrong, as the storm builds up, throws purple flashes of lightening across the cloudy sky. Everyone abandoned the idle chit chat, and gathered around the far side of the pool, sitting on the stone floor on the side of the pool, and watched the lightening as it progressed across the sky. The wind was catching up, and soon a dark cover of cloud covered up the entire sky. The lightnening was so strong, that it seemed that we could reach out a hand and touch it. It was intimadating and fascinating us at the same time. Everyone watched mesmerized.

Each flash more stunning than the last, had us getting up to our feet. Everyone switched off their cells and talks veered towards "What if we got stuck by lightening". Some enthusiastic people even start with "What causes lightening?" (Engineers through and through :P *rolls eyes*) When we thought that nothing could get more beautiful than this one, another flash ripped across the sky, proving us wrong. And then something happens that made us all give one collective gasp. The lights go off and we are plunged into total darkness.

The clouds gather up right above our heads and the winds start gathering force.. The lightening being the only source of light within miles in sight, every odd second it threw ghostly silver light on us. There was a jungle full of wild animals on the left side of us and a river flowing somewhere at the backyard. It was difficult to make out where the howling was some animal or the wind. It literally gave me the goosebumps to be standing there in the pitch black, excited and spooked at the same time, not knowing what will happen next. Then it starts to rain.

The lightening flashes again, the wind builds up so much that chairs start flying around, and we are running for cover from the sudden rain. The rain came suddenly, with full force, raining fat drops of cold water, that actually hurt. People hurry from the poolside, some people take leave now, a huge storm now very apparent. A few of us decided to stay on. CC's, King and Queen of hearts, Pak, Pooja, Karan run towards the now empty dining hall. I m the last one to walk away from the poolside, bcz the cold cold rain on my face feels so right. The rain falls on my face, feels like its washing away all that there was to do away with. There was so much going on in my mind before I left for this trip.. and suddenly for the first time in ages it seemed, I feel free. I feel happy.

It felt like it just couldnt get better than this.

Little did we know that the night was just beginning...

Oct 2, 2009

100. Final Goodbye...

This is it. I have made it so far and me making it through today proves it that Im over you. This is my final goodbye. And its been such a long journey.

This day has meant so much to me for these last years. The 2nd of every month has meant so much to me. Everything that happened in the last years has meant so much to me. Words will never describe what I went through when we broke up. I never thought much of myself anyway, and least of all I imagined that I will ever be able to survive without you. I couldnt believe it for a second that I will ever go through one day, one moment without you. That was how much I loved you.

I never thought Ill be saying this, but its true, as I have spoken nothing but the truth out entire relationship, that, you dont mean anything to me at all. I do not love you anymore. You are a memory of something - not good not bad, nothing that can be defined in a word or two - that happened to me in the past. Like everything happens for a reason, you happened for a reason too. And the reason for just for me to realise that I am the toughest girl I have ever known. Damn right yeah! :)

This day symbolises NOT years ago, telling you I love you in the middle of that beautiful empty basketball court anymore. It doesnt mean waiting every month for you to remember. It will not ever mean loving someone so much and so deep that others can only just imagine. It doesnt mean Gomantak or cheese omelet and tea, it doesnt mean a walk outside the college gates, with fingers locked together.

It means getting over you. It means being free of blaming myself for being alone.It means opening my eyes and realising that I have the most incredible friends anyone could ever dream of. It means having a happy fulfilling life where there is no space for you. And as incredible as it might sound to you, because I know all you remember of me is a weak girl who couldnt do without you, Im happy even without you. :)

I dont know if life will ever bring us two face to face again, I dont know if we will ever talk again. Slowly and surely all channels of communication that could have existed between us are dying away, and Im letting them, because I realised Im ok without them. I dont know if fate will ever make us meet our pasts again. But I know, if that day ever comes, you will meet a person who is very happy with her life.

This is it Ro. This is the final goodbye.

P.S: And btw, our picture is out of my wallet. :)