Oct 10, 2010

I hate you.



I inhale deeply, the smell assailing my senses, prickling the inside of my nose, feeling the sharp, putrid smell float down like cold ice down to my once pure lungs. I observe the swirling patterns the white smoke made against the dark canopy of the night sky. It was a starless sky, but then in a place like Mumbai, the street lights & high rise apartments shone brighter than any stars. For as long as I can remember, I think those swirling patterns have always fascinated me – smooth flowing smoke, making love to itself, disappearing into nothingness like the end of a beautiful poetry.

Another cigarette. Another seven minutes of my life, wasted, as those stats say. Wasted? Not quite - wasted would be the last seven months of this thing called life.  Knowing you, being with you. Disappointment. Now that my love, was a waste. This? This was just timeout.  Maybe even getting back to reality, real life for starters. As I saw the street lights shine like little fireflies in the side view mirror, looking at the glowing orange of the lighted tip, I once again thought of you.

You are this cigarette, you know? How it touches my lips but fails to leave a taste for long, lingering just while it’s still burning. It is the only taste I know while it’s glowing, yes, but its fake. There’s nothing to hold on to other than that faint smell of nicotine on the backside of my fingers. A faint smell that barely even registers. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t matter so much anymore. The embers have long gone cold. The smoke that fills my lungs suffocates slightly only so long as its there. After its gone, its freedom.

But it kills, you know. You contributed to what will kill me someday.  As much as I hate how it is - you had the last word. It doesn’t matter if you are nothing more than yet another exhaled dirty puff of breath through my nose, it doesn’t matter that you are long gone, crushed mercilessly into the asphalt by my perfect heel. It doesn’t matter that you touched the deep rose of my lips once, it doesn’t matter that you came close. I left you there on that sidewalk, and walked away as if I never knew you. And I will continue to do so even now.



But. You blackened the insides of me, and for that, bastard, I will never forgive you.


~ Annie.
P.S: Smoking Kills. Don’t do it.
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Now Playing: Bleeding Love | Leona Lewis

18 comments:

Sourav C. Pandey said...

...

wrote something similar once long back too...

http://www.souravpandey.in/2010/01/what-if-with-life.html

I guess am too tired or too not in a position to comment after reading this....will be back here, again.

Me-Era* said...

I am happy you wrote this for more than one reasons :)

Beautiful Song. Beautiful Shot. Beautiful Post. Beautiful You. <3

Priyanka Banerjee said...

Wow! That was quite something.
Very beautifully written.

Shanu said...

Wow..u have just put into words all the thoughts that have crossed my mind, all emotions that I keep bottled up...

Loved the last line :)

Kanishk said...

You stole my thoughts !

Harini said...

Beautifully written and beautiful shot.

sawan said...

this comes as one of the best note ive read in the recent past.

not sure whether the emotions would register a compliment, but it was a treat of words.

a moment of silence is what i could offer for the emotions involved.

cheers.

simply me said...

i love the analogy .....
and also the bitter sweet feelings that you have described :)
:D

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Sourav,
Ive read that, and commented too I guess..

@Meera,
There wasn't anything specific in mind when I started to write this actually... I haven't written anything in over six months :)

Thanks.. :)

@Priyanka,
Thank you!

@Shanu & Kanishk,
It did? I'm surprised honestly. I expected a lot of brickbats for the choice of subject actually.. :)

I wish I could say that it feels good to know that someone knows what I am talking about, but from the other side of the line, I can only wish noone goes through such shit...

@Harini,
Thanks!

@Anil,
Thanks!... Silence is good enough :)

@Simply Me,
Lol... there are bitter feelings definitely, but not even one single sweet feeling in that post :)... But yes it was analogous :)

Kanishk said...

We as a generation have this attitude of "We'll figure it out", "Something will work out". Sometimes others' experience aren't good enough. Sometimes we need something to shake us out of apathy. I just hope whatever I've been through leaves a mark on me. Such shit happens though it shouldn't but it does. I hope it doesn't change you or anyone who goes through it for that matter. It should make one stronger though...

Neeha said...

I love you Annie..You expressed your feelings very well.....keep it upp..
With hugs,
neeha

DPhatsez said...

Naice Annie \m/
One shot..one kill!

Дßhĩşħěқ Яao said...

Beautiful. Brilliant. I thought I'd read it all when I read this:
http://perversepleasures.blogspot.com/2007_10_01_archive.html
But this one gets back at it. And how!
If it were indented, it would be poetry..If it were non-fiction, it would be scary! Very good read, Annie.

Sourav C. Pandey said...

It doesn't kill, it takes you there and leaves you to wonder.

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Kanishk,
Sounds good, looks good on books too. But from what I know, it may or may not make me stronger, it may or may not change you.... But it leaves a mark. Thats for sure. What you make of that mark, is up to you.

@Neeha,
Thanks.. :)

@DPhat,
HEY! Lookey whos back! Missed ya..!
And thanks :)

@Abhishek,
Thanks so much.. :)
And read that post,... and grinned, because I always hated goldflake :)

@Sourav,
True that.

DeJaVu said...

I feel like repeating once again..u'r gifted! its an awesomely described post!

BIG Omi said...

Superb post! Classic Annie!

Smoking Kills - Who cares! :)

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Na,
Thanks girl! :)

@Omi,
Thanks! :)
.. And everyone should care that smoking kills!

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