Beginning of second year, cupid properly struck me with one of those damned arrows. I met and fell in love (the at first sight kind) with this amazing guy, not from my class, and by the end of college, we were one of the most well known couples in college. After many ups and downs, snogging ensued over out-of-city class trips from Goa to Shimla, through many valentines, traditional days, sports festivals, cultural festivals, one very eventful scavenger hunt, a hundred plus public displays of... rage :P (back in the day when I had serious anger management issues), making up over cheese omelettes and Iranian tea here (Best. Irani. Cafe. Ever.) .... by beginning of my last sem, my very first relationship had crashed and burned to the ground.
You know how they say that intense love has the capability to change you? Well it changed me. I was nothing like the person I was when I joined college by the time it ended. To be fair, it had a lot to do with the miserable time I was having in college (18-22 was probably the most difficult time I've had in my life). Out went the happy go lucky, carefree, ability to laugh at myself and in came the deeply cynical, sort of pathetic and doubt-ridden me. At the end of it all, my first relationship had stripped me down to my very core. When it ended, I couldn't breathe, because there are nothing happy and sunshine-y for me to hang on to. For the first time, I was faced with the prospect of examining every wrong call, every mistake, every hole in my life. It was hard getting to know me, and it was harder because no one told me how to climb out of the hole I had dug myself into, when the break up happened, and I was left dealing with this mess I'd created on my own.
You know how they say that intense love has the capability to change you? Well it changed me. I was nothing like the person I was when I joined college by the time it ended. To be fair, it had a lot to do with the miserable time I was having in college (18-22 was probably the most difficult time I've had in my life). Out went the happy go lucky, carefree, ability to laugh at myself and in came the deeply cynical, sort of pathetic and doubt-ridden me. At the end of it all, my first relationship had stripped me down to my very core. When it ended, I couldn't breathe, because there are nothing happy and sunshine-y for me to hang on to. For the first time, I was faced with the prospect of examining every wrong call, every mistake, every hole in my life. It was hard getting to know me, and it was harder because no one told me how to climb out of the hole I had dug myself into, when the break up happened, and I was left dealing with this mess I'd created on my own.
~
In the story of my life's greatest fuck ups, the year 2009 should be given an award. In the summer of 2009, I was churning out sad, cough-poorly-written-cough blog posts like nobody's business. On some of those very first mopey blog posts, landed the people who would end up shaping the rest of the year & a large part of 2010 for me. One of those first people was a guy, who was living away from home, seemed really nice to talk to and had a great taste in music. We started talking, and before I knew it, we were talking all the freaking time. This was before, the guy became Blogger celebrity and every single female blogger wanted to be his "friend". :D
Needless to say, this was a rebound. I was extremely lonely, and I had managed to push every single friend away by giving them all sorts of excuses. I spent all my time in this virtual world, and ended up depending more and more on this guy for some much needed humor and comfort. Within no time (and a huge telephone bill, ahem, this was ISD calling), I was pretty attached to this guy, who I was slowly considering to be one of my closest friends. I never told him anything, because I figured it was just a phase that was going to fade away, and I valued him too much as a friend.
Sometime soon after, I found out that this guy was in fact interested in this awesome girl on Blogger (who, funny story, ended up being great friends with me, and it all started with hate mail I believe hahahahhahahha... you know who you are, wink wink), that essentially put a stop to any feelings I had. Obviously it took some time for it to wind back down. It helped that I had just started working, so I was swamped with work and enjoying every minute of my new found freedom, making actual money :P ... and I was slowly reconnecting with my friends again.
Then before I knew it, this guy, this really nice witty humorous person.... changed into this completely different guy I did not know anymore. I do not know if it was all the internet fame or what... I figured it was probably best to let the drifting away happen, so our talks pretty much boiled down to music and maybe catching up once in a while. Then out of the blue, one fine day, out of nowhere, this person ends up humiliating me by calling me a variety of things. Here I am, minding my own business, listening to songs, talking about work.... and then suddenly... BAM!!! a whole barrage of abuses. It really really hurt me to hear those things, coming from a friend! It crushed me to hear this person say all these things about me, because I am almost ashamed to admit this, I DO NOT know the appropriate way to respond to meanness! I have never been mean to anyone in my life - like the bitchy, mean just for the heck of being mean, mean because I am having a bad day so I will take it out on someone, kind of mean. (okay I did once joined in the laughter when the entire class was making fun of this girl in 6th grade, but I felt so guilty later that I went up to her and made lame jokes to make her laugh.... yes I am THAT nerd girl ugh) It sucked that I was being told all these horrible, judgmental things... from someone who had never even MET me!
That day, I shut down everything and seriously contemplated deleting the blog and everything else. I felt like all of my online presence was this disgusting thing that I wanted to get rid of... icky cooties! :P I was ashamed that at 23, I had acted like I was 10 and blindly trusted someone, and set myself up for this kind of hurt. I did NOT need this reminder that I am not "strong", considering some jerk from behind a computer screen could actually make me dissolve into tears & hyperventilation like that. I honestly believed then that everyone online was as fake as he had turned out to be.
Obviously, I am thankful I didn't go through with my grand plan. :)
Because eventually, I realized that this jerk was no reason to say good bye to everything I had actually gained here on Blogger. There are so many things that would not have happened, had I actually thought of turning away from everyone I had already met / was yet to meet. Those people who showed up on my birthday with a printout of an email, with a chocolate cake in tow, and random yelling over the phone most of which constituted "OMGOMGOMGOMG". Those people who I have spent hours talking to, and nothing changed when I actually met them in person (maybe we put the crazy a notch higher, by sitting on roofs of houses and scaring the shit out of random people at 3AM). People who showed up unexpected in the middle of the night at home (yes that has happened, the joys of living in your own home also come with unexpected arrivals at bizarre times), because a friend is needed, and I always have alcohol. :P Someone who gave me a shiny TIARA for my birthday and walked around the mall with a styrofoam sword with 'Hermione Granger is awesome' written on it, because just, we are crazy like that. The same someone who I suppose is responsible for making me pursue a serious relationship with the man I would eventually marry (A, this sound familiar? "Aw come on you so totally have the hots for him!!!" "WHAT?! NO!" "Yes you do. You are texting him now aren't you?" "WHAT?! NO! YES! I hate you!" you totally reverse psycholog-ied me you smartass!) People who showed up for my wedding, like one giant Bloggers meet :P People who helped my friends get ready for the temple wedding, and some others who explained why waiting for spoons or forks was useless. People who I helped shop for their weddings a day before the event, and ended up being treated just like family at their special day. I am so kicked that pretty much half of my very best friends are people I've met online, and when online best friends met real life best friends, whether its a wedding or playing a board game at my home.... it is always LEGENDARY! The awesome times we all have had, driving random people on Facebook NUTS with our antics! I am grinning like an idiot just thinking about things I cannot mention in here because of ... er.. reasons... :P
One bad experience vs a whole new family of awesome people is a pretty fair deal huh? :)
Love,
Annie.
P.S.: I love you guys so much, I will totally dedicate the book I will eventually publish to you all. :P
___________________________________________________________
Now Playing: Mahi Ve | Faakir (SUCH an old song.... what the hell happened to Pakistani pop?!)
Then before I knew it, this guy, this really nice witty humorous person.... changed into this completely different guy I did not know anymore. I do not know if it was all the internet fame or what... I figured it was probably best to let the drifting away happen, so our talks pretty much boiled down to music and maybe catching up once in a while. Then out of the blue, one fine day, out of nowhere, this person ends up humiliating me by calling me a variety of things. Here I am, minding my own business, listening to songs, talking about work.... and then suddenly... BAM!!! a whole barrage of abuses. It really really hurt me to hear those things, coming from a friend! It crushed me to hear this person say all these things about me, because I am almost ashamed to admit this, I DO NOT know the appropriate way to respond to meanness! I have never been mean to anyone in my life - like the bitchy, mean just for the heck of being mean, mean because I am having a bad day so I will take it out on someone, kind of mean. (okay I did once joined in the laughter when the entire class was making fun of this girl in 6th grade, but I felt so guilty later that I went up to her and made lame jokes to make her laugh.... yes I am THAT nerd girl ugh) It sucked that I was being told all these horrible, judgmental things... from someone who had never even MET me!
That day, I shut down everything and seriously contemplated deleting the blog and everything else. I felt like all of my online presence was this disgusting thing that I wanted to get rid of... icky cooties! :P I was ashamed that at 23, I had acted like I was 10 and blindly trusted someone, and set myself up for this kind of hurt. I did NOT need this reminder that I am not "strong", considering some jerk from behind a computer screen could actually make me dissolve into tears & hyperventilation like that. I honestly believed then that everyone online was as fake as he had turned out to be.
Obviously, I am thankful I didn't go through with my grand plan. :)
Because eventually, I realized that this jerk was no reason to say good bye to everything I had actually gained here on Blogger. There are so many things that would not have happened, had I actually thought of turning away from everyone I had already met / was yet to meet. Those people who showed up on my birthday with a printout of an email, with a chocolate cake in tow, and random yelling over the phone most of which constituted "OMGOMGOMGOMG". Those people who I have spent hours talking to, and nothing changed when I actually met them in person (maybe we put the crazy a notch higher, by sitting on roofs of houses and scaring the shit out of random people at 3AM). People who showed up unexpected in the middle of the night at home (yes that has happened, the joys of living in your own home also come with unexpected arrivals at bizarre times), because a friend is needed, and I always have alcohol. :P Someone who gave me a shiny TIARA for my birthday and walked around the mall with a styrofoam sword with 'Hermione Granger is awesome' written on it, because just, we are crazy like that. The same someone who I suppose is responsible for making me pursue a serious relationship with the man I would eventually marry (A, this sound familiar? "Aw come on you so totally have the hots for him!!!" "WHAT?! NO!" "Yes you do. You are texting him now aren't you?" "WHAT?! NO! YES! I hate you!" you totally reverse psycholog-ied me you smartass!) People who showed up for my wedding, like one giant Bloggers meet :P People who helped my friends get ready for the temple wedding, and some others who explained why waiting for spoons or forks was useless. People who I helped shop for their weddings a day before the event, and ended up being treated just like family at their special day. I am so kicked that pretty much half of my very best friends are people I've met online, and when online best friends met real life best friends, whether its a wedding or playing a board game at my home.... it is always LEGENDARY! The awesome times we all have had, driving random people on Facebook NUTS with our antics! I am grinning like an idiot just thinking about things I cannot mention in here because of ... er.. reasons... :P
One bad experience vs a whole new family of awesome people is a pretty fair deal huh? :)
Love,
Annie.
P.S.: I love you guys so much, I will totally dedicate the book I will eventually publish to you all. :P
___________________________________________________________
Now Playing: Mahi Ve | Faakir (SUCH an old song.... what the hell happened to Pakistani pop?!)
7 comments:
The ways with life and where it leads us. Experience makes us wise.
And yes what you said is right. One gets to know people out of the blue and they turn out to be our best friends for life.
YOU HAVE ALCOHOL FOREVER STOCKED AT YOUR PLACE?
GIVE ME YOUR FRIGGING ADDRESS....I TOO WILL COME WITH A TIARA!!
P.S- You is strong. You is intelligent. You is important!
:) Is there a part 3 coming ?
errrrrrr..........
I guess there will be a part 3 titled " Annie Met Shyam"
it's always the moments that you're not ready for that brings in the people.
Totally relatable.
Cupid And His Arrows ..
Waiting for "Jab Annie Met Shyam" part now :) Awwww.. I guess I have been indirectly mentioned in the post? The people who came for your wedding bit? That "mini blogger meet" was loads of fun! Met an amazing bunch of really fun & super friendly people. Felt good meeting you and Shyam :) I love reading your posts even if I hardly comment (lazy me). Keep blogging Annie!!! :*
A lot of what's here shows how strong you have been that I wonder why you thought you weren't. Wonderfully honest post. And I feel connected to you in most ways because even the years and moods matches with my story :) Well you might just have inspired me to consider writing my full story like you have done!
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