Euphoria..

The lights were blinding, as he walked onto stage. The morphine hit he just had, wasn’t enough to make him truly high, but it was enough to make him feel like he was treading air. He heard the cheer of the crowd… the clap.… the chanting and the whistles. It all sounded like it was coming from a badly tuned radio.

Just another night. Just another performance. The song was the one he had sung in every other college fest. And the crowd always cheered. Some girl was always there, falling over herself, begging to be taken home when the night ended. Some punk with the shifty eyes, was always there to get him his shots. He walked up to the old fashioned mike, ready to sing the song he knew that everyone will sing along to, because everyone knew it by heart.

He looked at his band. The familiar faces. His oldest friend, since 2nd grade, Mads. His anchor for these last years, Lavanya. His college buddies Shaurya and Ryan. They were always together, there was always an easy camaraderie. No one knew how empty he really was.

He heard Anya give out the call. “And.. 5, 6, 7, 8.” He took a deep breath, much like the one a diver took before he plunged. Everytime he got on stage he felt like he had a timeout. A time away from his own private hell. His own demons. He looked at the people who cheered them on, his lips lifting in a half smile.

And then he saw her.

And everything he had tried so hard to forget all these last few years, came crashing back as of it had never disappeared in the first place at all.

He tried hard to push the memories that were coming back. Everything seemed to be suddenly moving in slow motion. Like a radio tuned out, the voices drowned into nothingness as other voices took over. The ones inside his head.

It felt like ages when it hadn’t even been seconds. He heard Anya give the call again, this time a note of urgency in her husky voice. He closed his eyes and willed the song inside him to come. Willed the illusion he had just seen to clear out before he fell in the dark abyss of the memories again.

Teri ya meri ya pull gaya…

Pull gaya haar te jeet…

Aei mae ki karna mein jeet nu…

Hove naje meet…

Hove naje meet…”

It was perfect. The crowd cheered an octave higher. As always. Everyone loved the song. But never had he actually felt it… the meaning of the words he had sang a million times. This time the words couldn’t have seemed more ironic. He had everything in the world. Except for her. Except for his meet.

Bindiya lagati toh… kaapti thi palken Maeri…

In a flash he was years back in time. He saw her eyes, as clear as yesterday. Bottomless brown pools, kind and trusting. That unique shade of brown that held his heart captive like nothing else ever had.. nothing else ever will.. Had it really been that long? Those beautiful eyes on that innocent heart-shaped face, betraying all emotion she ever felt?

Chunniya sajake woh deti vaadein kalke Maeri...

Her smile… that had lit up the cold lonely days of his life. Making him whole. Her smile had crept slowly into his heart, unnoticed, and had worked its magic, slowly thawing away at the cold ice around his heart. 

Mere haaton mein tha uska haath… thi chaashni si har uski baat…

Her words, a lovers caress, gentle. Simple. Pure. Somedays when she would cradle his head, and gently stroke his hair while he hummed a tune. He spent every waking moment of his life now, yearning, to hear that voice just once. One more time.

Maeri aap hi hasdi …Maeri aap hi rondi

Maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri

Gallaon kardi …maeri ankhan naal lad di…

maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri.. 

heyy Maeri

Baarishon mein lipat ke maa… ati thi woh chalke… Maeri…

Another flash. The picture seemed so clear and bright…like it was just yesterday. Everything looked perfect, that day on the terrace, on that late afternoon in July. The rain, the way her white salwar kameez had clung to her body. The dark curls of her hair dripping tiny drops of water. The odd feeling of cold rain against his back, and something searing hot inside him as they had kissed for the very first time. A moment now.. but it was enough to make him feel like someone had put a knife right through the part of his heart where it hurt the most.

Deeriyan ho jaye to roti halke halke… Maeri…

The tears that had silently rolled down her eyes the last time they had met. Inspite of the piercing sadness.. she had looked so beautiful, it had taken his breath away..

Phir se mein royu phir woh gaye… thandi havayein banke chaye…

His eyes still remained closed. Making everything he heard sound clearer, better. More profound. He heard her laughter now. And felt his heart clench one more time.

Maeri heeran o gaan di… Maeri geede o paundi… Maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri...

Jannata langdi maeri mannata mangdi … Maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri…
Ab kya karun kahan se kahun aa Maeri… ab kya karun kahaaan se kahunn aa Maeri…

He didn’t open his eyes, while someone played the haunting strings now. The invisible hand seemed to have found the lifeless heart after all. The pain seemed to build up, each moment a little stronger than the last.

Duniya parayi chod ke aaja …Jhoothe sare naate tod ke aaja…

The betrayed.. wounded look in her eyes. As he had walked away with strong purposeful strides. Never once looking back. She had left everything for him without a care in the world, and he had walked away just like that. So simply. So crudely. Never offered any reason. Never turned back to see if she would survive it. Would she listen now?

Sau rabdi tujhe ek vari aajaa.. Ab ke mile to honge na juda..

That unique feeling of being in her arms. Never again had he felt so warm and so secure. So shielded..so protected. The way he felt like braving any shit that the world threw at him, just because he knew she was there. Always.

Na juda na juda aaa oooo … Ho hun te o aaye koi kidde aaye

maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri

gallan o kardi … maeri akhan naal lad di…

maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri…”

Bhul gayi mera pyar…mae bas lage mahine chaar

maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri yaad woh aayimaeri yaad woh aayi

maeri yaad woh yaad woh aaeri

The pain in his chest was excruciating enough to kill. He could not take it anymore. Maybe death was the easy way out too. It felt like some forbidden old box was opened that was meant to be shut forever. And he couldn’t handle the way life was mocking him right now.

Ab kya karun kahan se kahun aa Maeri

Ab kya karun kahan se kahunn aa Maeri

The memories were drowning him and like the victim of the brute seas.. he felt helpless. Flailing his arms , struggling to keep up his balance, to maintain his senses. All the time realising it was no use, because no matter how much he struggled… he will never be able to forget the beautiful face that haunted every moment of his life.

The crowd was cheering at the highest pitch possible. The radio, tuned off, suddenly seemed to clear away. Making the crowd’s cheering seem loud and harsh. The crowd called for encore. Everything had gone good. No one knew what had transpired inside his mind. No one saw what he had seen inside his mind. All was well.

He opened his eyes.

And she was not there anymore.

He didn’t know whether it was blind relief that washed over him or cold loneliness as he turned slowly and walked off stage. Back to what he was every night.

Lost. Confused. Lonely.

.

..

...

A nobody.

~

P.S : In one of my late night song listening session. ‘Maeri’ has always been a song close to my heart. And the story…. :)