Apr 17, 2010

In Loving Memory.

I once thought of you and me as two people trapped in a room full of people, looking for someone to fill something that was missing in our lives. Something that one found in the other. And then there was this glass wall between us that can’t be broken because .. it was just there.  Maybe because we didn’t try. To say that the love wasn’t enough would be an insult to what we had. No matter what, the glass wall was bigger than the two people longing for each other on either side. And we were but, two people forever fated to watch. And wish.

And now, I see you disappearing into the crowd, away, never to be found again, and it hits me with a force of a million bricks. The fact that I can’t lose myself into the crowd, because always, always, I will keep coming back to this place where I saw you last. Because I will keep returning, hoping to find you here. Hoping to see you behind the glass wall, still away from touching you. But seeing you. The thin thread that keeps me from going insane. Your face. The familiarity of your face and your eyes. I will keep coming back to this place, just in the hope that you will miss me as much as I miss you.

Remember that one walk we once took down Colaba Causeway? When I saw those crystal stones I fell in love with, and we found one that looked so seamless it was like it wasn’t broken. But it was, the perfect sphere breaking open revealing a beautiful crystal world inside it? And how the pieces fit so perfectly together, it was like they were made for each other. That was you, as you were, you are, for me. Like you will always be. Completing me.

They all say time heals everything. But maybe I don’t want to be healed. Because with you, even your memories, I feel substance in my existence. I feel alive again, albeit just for brief sporadic moments. In those moments, I feel emotions. I feel happy thinking about the invisible dimple in your stubborn stubble. I feel myself smiling thinking about the exact shade of my pink and blue dress, and how you watched me across the corridor, the morning sunlight casting shadows of those pillars in our way, and how you walked to me, slowly, never taking your eyes off me. I feel bitter regret and pain, thinking of the last time I saw you. And I feel cold rage about the last promise you broke. Of never breaking my heart again. But feeling things I feel nowhere else but with memories of you, is like coming back to life. Maybe in the worst possible way, but still, coming back. Like I was, a long long time before.

Maybe days, Maybe months. Maybe even years. I don’t know how long this ache will last. I don’t know how long it will be before I’m ready to say goodbye to you. I don’t know at what point of time I can finally bring myself to say that I’m done, mindlessly meandering among the memories of you.

There is a piece of my heart that is missing. That has been missing since the day you left. That is the part of me that will always belong to you. Across seas and stars of the heaven, always, forever yours. No other man will ever fill that space with his love, maybe only wonder what was it that once lay there, completing that heart of mine. Seeing nothing but a shadow of how deep I'm capable of loving someone. That love, bordering on the edge of sweet obsession, will always belong to you.

Without you, I find myself staying awake some nights, watch shadows chase themselves over the ceilings, dark shadows against the blue light falling across the ceiling. Without you, the ache of your remembrance nearly kills me.

Without you I am breathing, sustaining my life, walking about, following the monotony, so that no one suspects what’s missing. Without you, I exist, because my presence here is required in this social fabric called society.


I am, though I really am not.





Without you, my love, I simply exist.
With you, I live life.




~ Annie.
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Now listening to: In loving Memory | AlterBridge 

26 comments:

Manjari Singh said...

can feel it

ANWESA said...

Mush mush and more of mush....


And some real touching mush....

Welcome back !

Leo said...

hmm, this was fantastic. i could see them pictures flash b4 my eyes.. and feel each word..

lovely..

Harini said...

hmmm.... I dont know what to say except well written.

ABHISHEK SiM said...

it was fiction?! really?!

at least the comment-section prompts so.

it felt it was so real. glad it wasn't, then.

brilliance! sheer.

buckingfastard said...

so here it comes...annie's best post till date as far as my views are concerned!!

and the good thing was i replaced the "i" in the story with me and "you" wid her...and everything else felt deja vu...

maybe dats wat a really touching writing is supposed to feel!!

Dhanya said...

Hmmmm ! Out of words really. Very intense and passionate but very depressing too. I just hope it's fiction...

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Manjari, Anwesa, Harini
Thanks. :)

@Leo,
Thank you for visiting my blog and liking my post :)

@buckingfastard,
Thank you so much.. :)

@Abhishek, Dhanya,
Thanks.. :)
Fiction or not, take your pick..

being alive said...

I wish fiction wasnt inspired from reality,as it usually is.I hope it is not so in ur case...Thanku sooo much for writing this,u gave me words!

blunt edges said...

that was as touching as touching can be!

your writing skills are supreme...one of the best posts i have read here!

muthu said...

Vivid & compelling read....

& I just hope that it s only fiction.....

Doldo said...

I liked it Annie..... Very beautifully written !! Touched my heart :)
and you know why :)

lost_soul said...

loved it :) one of ur best posts till date.brought bac a lot of memories..

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Being Alive,
Thanks a lot for liking my post :)
Fiction is always inspired from reality, someway or the other.. :)

@Blunt Edges,
Thanks a lot! :)

@Muthu,
Thank you.. Its about as much fiction as the rest of my blog :)

@Dallas,
So finally here eh? :)
Glad you like it... I know why too.. I just hope that you dont end up becoming this..

@Lost_Soul
Hi there! Im not sure if I have seen you here before, so welcome anyway :)
Thanks a lot.. :)

sawan said...

this is the most heartfelt write up I read in the recent past! I made a copy of this in my docs in fear that you might delete this one day. This is so beautiful and so very touching. I wouldn’t dare to comment on the emotions since its very personal. For me, it gifted me the most precious feeling which I might not convey through words, you would have known it if you could have seen my eyes! Cheers.

sakhii•• said...

beautiful!!

shilpa said...

oh god its so touching...loved it!
u rock gal..keep it up :) :)

IcE MaiDeN said...

@Sawan,
Thank you so much for those words :) And I wouldn't delete it ever, because its as raw as emotion has ever got on this blog... :)

@Sakhi,
Heylo there! Welcome to my blog and thanks for liking my post :) Keep visiting!

@Shilps,
You have actually seen this.... it should hardly come as a surprise... :)
Thanks for liking it.. :)

Jayanta Deka said...

wonderful....
very touchy..
Keep going..
CHEERS LIFE
JD

Shaunak said...

Intense, passionate, in your face, and the last two lines hit home like nothing else.
How did I ever miss this!

MaDdY said...

wow!! a wonderful heartfelt blog.
a true winner :)
congratulations!!

Trulyana said...

Annie your post is truly wonderful, the love and existence intertwined elevate one to a new dimension. Congratulations on winning the best April post @ Colors Magazine. I can see now why you were picked!
Have a wonderful day.

Kanishk said...

It's difficult being alone in the crowd esp. when becoming a part of the crowd isn't an option... and it's even more difficult when you're alone in that room.

Same reason I don't like to attend functions!!

You wrote what most people fear to say even after several drinks!! :)

Sourav said...

Life is strange, life is a bitch, life makes you a loner at times too ..but till you are alive, you should know there is a motive for you still! A hope, probably :)

The Lover said...

This is so weird. It's almost like you wrote the same feelings in different words. "There is a piece of my heart that is missing." Eerie coincidence.

I hope you have moved on to a better place than where you were when you wrote this. If not, you are always welcome in my world.

Robbie said...

Beautiful read!!
Felt emotional!!

Keep it up

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