Jan 9, 2009

... Very Confused ...

I returned back home from college jus about an hour back. Mom is feeling a little bit better compared to yesterday. She had fever. She looked a little tired anyway. Somehow, just as I entered home, I felt as if I was seeing the lines on her face, for the very first time. She seemed to have aged overnight. I went to the kitchen, asking if I could do anything to help with tonight’s dinner. She looked at me, n said that my masi called earlier in the evening. N then she said, “My husband died today.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t feel anything. Large tears pooled up in her eyes, and I m still NOT feeling anything. Nope. Nothing whatsoever. I walked over, gave her a hug, and asked if I could make the dal today. With special tadka. She nodded, and instructed me how to do it. After a few minutes, I was talking about the games I played in college today.

You may be shocked at the complete lack of expression here. Allow me to explain. My mom’s husband, i.e. my father, well… let’s just say he is *or maybe was* not a familiar sight while I was growing up. Infact I haven’t seen him or heard from him from the last 15 years.

My parents got married about in the 70’s. He worked someplace, I have no idea, cuz me n mom never talked about it. My mom was a housewife. My father was an alcoholic. He was also a pathological liar. He never laid a finger on my mom though, as most alcoholics were prone to do. My mom wouldn’t take any of the shit. They had a decade of marriage, where she miscarried once. It was a miserable time. Finally after 13 years of marriage, they had me. Things took a turn for the worse within a few years after I came. My mother finally decided she had enough. Unlike other women, she didn’t leave home. She booted him out. And closed the doors on him forever.

My father, I m assuming was very happy with the arrangements, cuz within a few years, he remarried. The other woman doesn’t know me n my mom exist. They made a home for themselves, in Thane, right next to my masi’s place. They had two daughters. Life was all good. My mom here, struggled to make ends meet. My father when he left, decided to make everyone suffer. He sold the house and property to some people, and took off with the proceedings. He even took the ration card away. He owed money to a lot of people. N he directed them all home, before he left. Thankfully, my uncle, who played the father for me all my life, negotiated with all this. They saw the little baby in my mom’s hands, and they all made peace. They instead helped my mom to get new documents for the home. The neighbors helped too. Somehow, things ironed out in a few years.

Now, I see my mother crying a bit. She is confused. She says she doesn’t feel a damn about the man who left her alone. She looks on fondly at her green bangles, and says “I will have to take all this off.” I told her u don’t have to. What do u say to a woman in this situation? I have no clue.

As for me, I m calm. I have no feelings for the man. It’s hard to miss something that was never there. I don’t hate him. I definitely never missed him. I had a fulfilling 21 years of life. Hardly any of my friends know about this side of me. Hardly anyone ever asked why I always talk about only my mom n my uncle. It’s all right. It’s a part of my life I rather not broadcast.

Right now, as I m typing up all this, I feel as if am I obliged to be unhappy when someone I know dies? Is it inhuman to feel nothing? I m so confused right now, I have no clue y am I even writing this. I find solace when I write. N this is probably the first time I m not finding it anywhere.


P.S : Added Later .
This post seemed have to created a fair amount of controversy in my life. First of all thanks to all friends who were worried to death abt me. Esp the ILMB ones. I Love You guys a lot. :)

And then I had tough time wid ppl telling me "not to advertise my personal life on net" I know I m not obliged to answer to anyone, bt i want to clear a few issues here.
Lately my blog has come to mean a lot to me. For someone who doesnt blog, it might seem like utter crap, bt this place here...feels like home. the place i feel most at ease at. I dun care A DAMN abt ppl who claim to "know me", cz the fact is they dunt. ok so lay off. Wid all due respect..i dun need ur guidance.

Bye, Lotsa Luv,Annie. I m a lot better than i ever was bcus i hav given myself completely to nurturing my blog. :)


Ashrita said...

Annie, I think you need to give time to your Mom for a few days now. It is not wrong, what you're feeling. The man does not deserve your feelings anyway, I am sorry to say but after I read your story I am flabbergasted myself and this man must be the only parent ever whom I have felt this way for. Hope his soul RIP anyway. Please be by your Mom's side :)

Love you,

mysterious gal said...

i have no words to express ...just one thing to say .....Be with ur mother and she will be fine ...ur her world and with a daughter like u she will always be fine and she is one strong lady.....:-)
Take care baby
Love ya loads

A.prem said...

m fairly confused too.. having no feelings for a person who dint exist in your life and has only left traces, fair enough.
its just time that your mom needs.. after a while you can make her feel better..m sure you would. :-)
warm hugs
love ya :-*

DeJaVu said...

I guess you'r right when you said there are some things in life that are better left unsaid.. n thats y we come to know of this event thru the medium of your most prized possession...Writing.

I wouldnt say that you deserved a better dad becoz i knw you'r completely satisfied from your life as it is cz these are the very things that make you so unique and strong. And for THAT, i'd say that I'm proud of you and our friendship!

As far as some advice as to wat you should be doin in this situation... zilch.. havent got a clue buddy.. But one things for sure. dont let your mom be sad for your dad.. cz your mom should be happy for the way she's managed it all herself. hats off to the both of u!

finally sorry for the looooong comment.. js couldnt stop my fingers like the small tears that welled up in my eyes.. dunno y.. :D

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