So, dusting cobwebs and generously dousing the place with air fresheners, here I am, out of my blog hiatus. 2 questions - why was I gone and why am I back?
First, easy to answer, I was super busy. As we may be aware, I was on my conquest of the 26 before 26, specifically the 'Do atleast 5 weddings / 20 portraits, the paid kind'. Yes dear awesome people (who still read this blog :P), I have recently crossed off my list item with flourish. This has kept me so busy that hardly anything else has moved from my list!
Second, a little more difficult to answer, but I think I am now wise enough to add my two cents to a piece I read today - 6 Vital Questions To Ask Before You Are Ready To Say I Do. Call it a critical analysis if you will. I'd like to say - great piece whoever wrote it (since the byline was missing.. or mysteriously placed elsewhere), good flow, some great points. So here is what I have to say / add about the whole topic:
In summary, the author makes these 6 points:
1 & 4 - very important. However the examples the author uses in the post, are fickle at their very best. More on that later.
6 - Extremely presumptuous as I tweeted to the publication. Having children is not end goal to a marriage, there are plenty of people who want to get married for other reasons than procreating. Exhibit A.
I believe its not about how LONG you have known each other, its about how WELL. Sometimes people will look for things when they aren't there. Also one of the reasons why people have so much difficulty leaving people - we are all looking for things in the other person, which are probably not there. So being with someone for 6 months could equal to being with someone for 6 years - it would make no difference to how ready you are to get married. Do you really know the person? This DOES NOT mean how similar you are - it means do you know the differences? Think about it.
About secrets. Let's face it, we all have secrets. Some good, some bad, some mortifying. What do you do about those when you are in a relationship that is potentially heading for marriage? There is a fine line between being explicit, down to every detail to every story and being brief about the story. So spill your secret carefully. Lets not paint a vivid picture in the other person's mind, but at the same time let's not pretend to be someone we are not. At the end of the day, the kind of secrets you have, are in turn the experiences you've had, and that goes a long way into shaping the kind of person you are.
On 4. -
Let me list down things you should run far far away from, if your other half does these things:
- ANY sort of abuse. Mental, physical. Run dear person, because I assure you with the finality of that first word / fist you had to go through - it WILL happen again. And you deserve better than that. Marriage will not change anything. Run and do not look back.
- AND THAT IS IT.
Sorry folks, lets remind ourselves you are marrying a different person! He / she is different than you are! The only difference that cannot be overcome is listed above. See, the little secret of life is people change. It is easy to adjust, find common ground and build up from there, if you WANT to. He is a dog person, you are a cat person? Pbbt. Can. Be. Solved. He likes being with family and you don't? Can. Be. Solved. You want to settle down and she does not want to? Can. Be. Solved.
And the reason why all of these things (and more) can be solved is the same you came together in the first place. You both are two civilized people in love, and (referring to 2&3) you got into it when you knew there were differences, so lets sit down and talk about it. Let's find that common ground. Lets create rules about things that can be done and cannot. Let's think logically about differences and what can be done about it! And, if talking about it is getting you nowhere, take a break away from the person and cool off. Cooling down gives you an excuse to reevaluate the decisions you were fighting for. It gives you a new perspective on things. Who knows, maybe you will change certain things, adjust a little. And lastly, even after that if you know you are not happy with current arrangements, you will know in your heart what you are ready for and what you are not.
And 6. I am going to pass over completely, because it sounds a lot like what my mom had said in the past to which I replied with this - thank you, but MY legacy to the world will be something more substantial. So - Are you a baby person? Is he/she? (It's okay not to be!) Put some thought into it and go back to the above paragraph. Understand differences, talk about them, reach common ground.
No, a relationship does NOT reach any level of maturity before you need to take it to the next step. Relationships happen as they are supposed to, they are a reflection of the kind of people you both are from the inside - slow, fast, romantic, practical, beautiful, ugly, complicated - its all within us. At some point in these very kinds of relationships, two people decide to take it to a new different level, that is all. Marriage changes people to think that a milestone has been achieved, so they can rest now. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. You need to work twice as hard on your marriage as you did for your relationship. :)
That is it folks. There is no checklist that you can be given to you before you get married, that you can cross off and then take the plunge. It simply does not work that way. Take the plunge with a person that you love, knowing their differences, problems, quirks, idiosyncrasies - and everything else can be worked upon. :)
Annie.
P.S: Because it is entirely coincidental that the examples the author uses in the post are something that I CAN relate to - well, I must! :P I got engaged to the guy I dated for six months, I am an anti-family, cat person to his pro-family, no animal person. I am literally the Meredith to his Derek. :P We are making it work. Everyone can.
First, easy to answer, I was super busy. As we may be aware, I was on my conquest of the 26 before 26, specifically the 'Do atleast 5 weddings / 20 portraits, the paid kind'. Yes dear awesome people (who still read this blog :P), I have recently crossed off my list item with flourish. This has kept me so busy that hardly anything else has moved from my list!
Second, a little more difficult to answer, but I think I am now wise enough to add my two cents to a piece I read today - 6 Vital Questions To Ask Before You Are Ready To Say I Do. Call it a critical analysis if you will. I'd like to say - great piece whoever wrote it (since the byline was missing.. or mysteriously placed elsewhere), good flow, some great points. So here is what I have to say / add about the whole topic:
In summary, the author makes these 6 points:
- Do we want similar things in life?
- Do we understand and fulfill each other's needs?
- Do we know each other’s secrets - atleast the important ones?
- Do we know how to deal with each other's not-so-rosy sides?
- Do we admire and respect each other as individuals?
- Am I ready to think of him/ her as a parent to my children?
1 & 4 - very important. However the examples the author uses in the post, are fickle at their very best. More on that later.
6 - Extremely presumptuous as I tweeted to the publication. Having children is not end goal to a marriage, there are plenty of people who want to get married for other reasons than procreating. Exhibit A.
@tamarindrice Great 2nd issue, but in 'Are you ready to say I do?' I thought #6 was a little presumptuous- not all couples want children. :)On 2. & 3.
— Annie(@IceMaiden512) May 27, 2013
I believe its not about how LONG you have known each other, its about how WELL. Sometimes people will look for things when they aren't there. Also one of the reasons why people have so much difficulty leaving people - we are all looking for things in the other person, which are probably not there. So being with someone for 6 months could equal to being with someone for 6 years - it would make no difference to how ready you are to get married. Do you really know the person? This DOES NOT mean how similar you are - it means do you know the differences? Think about it.
About secrets. Let's face it, we all have secrets. Some good, some bad, some mortifying. What do you do about those when you are in a relationship that is potentially heading for marriage? There is a fine line between being explicit, down to every detail to every story and being brief about the story. So spill your secret carefully. Lets not paint a vivid picture in the other person's mind, but at the same time let's not pretend to be someone we are not. At the end of the day, the kind of secrets you have, are in turn the experiences you've had, and that goes a long way into shaping the kind of person you are.
On 4. -
Let me list down things you should run far far away from, if your other half does these things:
- ANY sort of abuse. Mental, physical. Run dear person, because I assure you with the finality of that first word / fist you had to go through - it WILL happen again. And you deserve better than that. Marriage will not change anything. Run and do not look back.
- AND THAT IS IT.
Sorry folks, lets remind ourselves you are marrying a different person! He / she is different than you are! The only difference that cannot be overcome is listed above. See, the little secret of life is people change. It is easy to adjust, find common ground and build up from there, if you WANT to. He is a dog person, you are a cat person? Pbbt. Can. Be. Solved. He likes being with family and you don't? Can. Be. Solved. You want to settle down and she does not want to? Can. Be. Solved.
And the reason why all of these things (and more) can be solved is the same you came together in the first place. You both are two civilized people in love, and (referring to 2&3) you got into it when you knew there were differences, so lets sit down and talk about it. Let's find that common ground. Lets create rules about things that can be done and cannot. Let's think logically about differences and what can be done about it! And, if talking about it is getting you nowhere, take a break away from the person and cool off. Cooling down gives you an excuse to reevaluate the decisions you were fighting for. It gives you a new perspective on things. Who knows, maybe you will change certain things, adjust a little. And lastly, even after that if you know you are not happy with current arrangements, you will know in your heart what you are ready for and what you are not.
And 6. I am going to pass over completely, because it sounds a lot like what my mom had said in the past to which I replied with this - thank you, but MY legacy to the world will be something more substantial. So - Are you a baby person? Is he/she? (It's okay not to be!) Put some thought into it and go back to the above paragraph. Understand differences, talk about them, reach common ground.
No, a relationship does NOT reach any level of maturity before you need to take it to the next step. Relationships happen as they are supposed to, they are a reflection of the kind of people you both are from the inside - slow, fast, romantic, practical, beautiful, ugly, complicated - its all within us. At some point in these very kinds of relationships, two people decide to take it to a new different level, that is all. Marriage changes people to think that a milestone has been achieved, so they can rest now. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. You need to work twice as hard on your marriage as you did for your relationship. :)
That is it folks. There is no checklist that you can be given to you before you get married, that you can cross off and then take the plunge. It simply does not work that way. Take the plunge with a person that you love, knowing their differences, problems, quirks, idiosyncrasies - and everything else can be worked upon. :)
Annie.
P.S: Because it is entirely coincidental that the examples the author uses in the post are something that I CAN relate to - well, I must! :P I got engaged to the guy I dated for six months, I am an anti-family, cat person to his pro-family, no animal person. I am literally the Meredith to his Derek. :P We are making it work. Everyone can.
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7 comments:
Welcome back :-)
Valid six points, and somehow they do also fall in the order of preference (for me)
"Everything can be worked upon." - Thats the funda on which I live my married life.
Annie, about time you came back.
And with what an amazing post. You know I had the same things in mind when I read that article. Honestly, I even thought what your take on it would be and I smiled as I read it. And here it is. Exactly what I think and exactly what I thought you would think. You are awesome, aren't you?
Similarities don't end here. I got engaged to the man I dated for ten months too and got married into a traditional, orthodox Brahmin family. Words that never featured in my dictionary before. Still, we're making it work beautifully much to the angst of many other souls we read about :D
Totally agree with every point you mentioned. Especially the secret keeping part and the kids part. Amen to that! You wrote what's on my mind. Again!
Quite a thought.. and you seem to have covered almost all the vital points... :-)
Quite a thought.. and you seem to have covered almost all the vital points... :-)
Congratulations on your engagement.
Those six questions are perfect.
"Let there be spaces in your togetherness" Quote-Unquote Khalil Gibran. Like you said, it is more about understanding the differences and being able to make the relationship work with unconditional love. Congrats and all the best!
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