For names that begin with 'A'

Just a little something on a boring Sunday night. 
My first time with acrylic on canvas.

~Annie.
P.S: Not very fond of this one - The owl clan is cursing me for that fucked up owl I suppose.
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Now Playing: The Script | If You Ever Come Back

Birthday Wishlist...

7th Day from now.... wow so close!!! :) :) :)


Someone singing me happy bday in a veryyyy buttery voice at 12 in the night :)
Beautiful red roses...
Teddy bear -- badaaaa wala :)...
A pleasant suprise...
Warm Hugs...
Someone to hold my hand out of the blue...
A new Fasttrack watch...
YET another bottle of Davidoff :P...
Jewellery...
A new cam...
Ok since this is MY list and I can dream as much as I want ... Apple Macbook AIR :P
Lots of laughter...NO tears!!! *I hav had really bad last few bdays* :(
A good movie... (n NO I DONT want to see Paa which is releasing the day before!)
A good book...
Clothes!!!!...
A sexy new bag...
Shoes.. :P *I can never have enuf of these :P*
Someone telling me I look very pretty...
Flawless complexion on that day atleast :P
Lots of smiles.. for no reason :)
Watching the sun go down at the beachside and hearing the waves as they come by.. *sighhhh!!*
Chocolate Chip Icecream... :)
A good night kiss that leaves me breathless...



I know none of the things I really really want for my bday will actually come true. I know that my 22nd bday is going to be just another day... just like my 21st bday. My best friends are away or busy, my crush is an idiot :P, and basically it will be over even before I realize it... and as much as I hate the sound of that I cannot do anything about it :(

But what the heck?! :P
Whats life without impossible dreams nai? :)

~ Annie

I stood outside in the rain today...

I know from the sound...That the rains coming down
I know it from the sweet smell of earth... That the rains are here
And I know it from the loneliness that wells up in my heart
You aren’t here beside me...N That the rains are here...

I stood outside in the rain today,
Hugging myself as the rains soaked me to the bone,
Wishing it might wash away with itself,
What there is left inside of me...

I stood outside in the rain today,
And watched as the lightning flashed across the sky,
I like it out here, cold and wet, I m just a random Nobody,
No one even need know that I’m even there…

I stood outside in the rain today,
Tired of hiding behind the happy mask and the pretend smile,
And the rain does not let me lie anymore.. or hide anymore,
All this pain in my heart, while slowly each day I’m dying...

I stood outside in the rain today,
My tears leaving black streaks down my face,
And the blankness in my eyes is my sorrows only trace..
But this time I can blame it on the rain...

It’s raining today, and everything reminds me of you,
Making me wonder if you still love the clown-girl from your yesteryear…
She’s all grown up now, no dreams lighting up her eyes anymore
She’s all grown up now… But she still misses her Ro...

Yours,

An's...

P.S: There’s so much more to say.. But I’m afraid this will leave me feeling more empty than what I started with.. So Ill stop now..

P.P.S: "Pyar tumhe kitna karte hai... Tum yeh samaj nahi paoge.. Jab hum na honge toh bolo kya tab aaoge...."

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

CAUTION: Reader Discretion Advised. Graphic words used.

Remember the first time I saw u while you played in the rain?

Remember the first time I laughed at you when you said something funny?

Remember the first time I smiled at you while in your arms?

Look at me and tell me do u see that girl anymore?

The first time you hit me I was blind,

I didn't see that it was the beginning of something that will never end,

Wore dark sunglasses and put on makeup to hide the bruises,

So people wouldn't see what you had done to me..

The first time you called me a bitch in front of my friends,

I laughed and looked away making it seem like a joke

Did you know I cried myself to sleep that night?

Wondering what I had done wrong? Y was I so imperfect?

The first time you gave me a fractured arm,
I was too numb... too blank.. to think straight,
All my friends told me to get away from you..
And all I could think how i could make up for my mistakes?

The first time you raped me I was scared,

That if I cried you wouldn't want me anymore,

Do u know I spent hours in the cold cold shower?

Washing away filth that wouldn't go away..

I dont know who stares at me in d mirror anymore
I dont know where did that bubbly smiling girl go
I dont know where the guy she feel in love with disappear
Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

A broken spirit...and a crushed pair of wings

Befouled violated body..and a numb mind..

You took and twisted me into someone I don't know

Baby when did your hands grow so cold?

-Annie.
P.S: This is a topic very close to me. I have often wondered what makes a woman stay in a abusive relationship... What is that makes her forget that she deserves better? ...Can love really be that blind?

Passing Thoughts...

It is SO worth it making someone smile. :) (smiles foolishly)

Gods been playing artistic dude for 3 days in a row.. Yesterday he went all pastel.. The evening was so bright... Orange and fiery. It was so beautiful it made me stop being panicky as I was (Isha will vouch for that!) and I decided to admire the sun go down with a silent wow. (Karan will vouch for that!) :)

And today He decided to play with water colors. First he went into sepia mode.. making everything look so beautiful I cant even find the right words.. and then it rained!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! as expected I went mad... went and played 'saakhli' with the kids. (don't ask me what that is if you don't know. :P I'll be too embarrassed to say. :D) Taught the youngest ones to make paper boats.. and jumped in the dirty puddles with the older ones. Annie plays while Mom is away. :)

Saw a cute couple walking hand in hand, oblivious to the world.. Getting wet in the rain. Watched them with a faraway smile. Missed someone. The rains tug at the heartstrings that ache the most.

"Jo tum ho toh yeh lagta hai ki mil gayi har khushi,
Jo tum na ho toh yeh lagta hai ki har khushi mein hai kami......

Tum ko hai maangti.. yeh zindagi..."

- Annie.
P.S: Its Raininggggg!!!!!! :)

Crimson Tears

Standing all alone… in the middle of nowhere…

No one who cares… breathing fake air…

She feels so distant, ripped from existence…

Got so transparent… lost all substance…

Her shattered heart pounds against her breast…

The pieces cutting holes in her chest…

Slowly she fades… as quickly she drowns…

In the crimson tears that run down her arm…

She wants to scream. She wants to shout…

A prisoner in her skin… wants to let it all out…

But she doesn’t make a sound… keeps it all inside…

Wants to breakaway… but instead she hides…

Alone in her room… quietly sobbing in her shell..

This is her fucked up life… her own private hell…

She’s lost everything that she’s ever had,

Crimson tears seep through her skin because it hurts so bad…

She’ll tilting on the edge, about to fall off…

Her soul so lacerated but mind is so soft…

Is that the smell of red again as it starts to run?

She stares at the crimson tears and wonders…

...What has she done?...

P.S: Don't freak out!!! Wrote this a LONG time back. Around a year back. Just thought of putting it up here.

P.S.S: I m NOT a cutter. Not anymore. Definitely don't encourage it. For all those who lead a secret life as this one, go seek help soon. Because you may not realize it right this moment, but life is way too beautiful. :)

Added Later: 

Not connected to the post... But something that I believe in.... have faith! everything works out in the end! :)

When you come to the edge of the light that you know,
and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things will happen--
there will be something to land on…
or you will learn how to fly.

Scribbles...

(jus some random scribbles.. shouldnt be taken as a poem.. jus thoughts..)

its difficult to breathe.. as invisible hands suffocate me
its difficult to sleep.. as the demons scare me
its difficult to forget everything... because i love him

i pretend to be allrite...when i am not
i smile ... when all i want to is break down and cry
i kiss you tender...when all i want is to scream
i sit still ... when all i want is to run away ... away

The worlds a bitch
whos got something against me
theres a road i am walking on
which noone else can see
am i walking away from something?or am i walking towards something?
i dont know
i dont know

what have i lost along the way?
what are the things i couldnt hold onto?
the mirror lies to me.. it screams calm
when theres a storm that rages inside me
that noone can see

i try to catch the raindrops
like i tried to gather people in life
like sand slipping from between outstreched fingers...everyone eluded me
till i was so alone
till all that was left was a broken me

night after night i lie in my empty bed,
looking at the shadows play across the ceiling,
No i wont cry, n i wont break.
No i wont cry..

i wont let the world see,
what they have taken away from me...

P.S: wrote a long time ago. since i m not that sad anymore, cudnt fix it up to mak it look like a proper poem. lolz. hope ill be writing nice stuff soon.. :)

I Wont Love You Any Less...

Its been 2 week since i hav seen u last

Its been a while since u held me in ur arms

Its been jus 2 weeks since u last smiled at me

But it feels lik an eternity, love...

I didnt know it wud be so easy for you to let me go

So easy to slam down the phone and ignore all calls

I didnt know i meant so little to u...so insignificant

when all this while, u said words that said somethng else...

Moving on, u hav left me shattered.. and confused and lost..

So devoid of strength to pick up the scattered myraid peices..

I feel the gaze of a million mocking eyes, saying "wht was she thinking?!"

Ripping to shreds everythng i had worked so hard to build..

I miss the person who had swept me away years ago,

The one who stood waiting for me a whole night,

The one who sang sweet songs to be to ease my troubles

And the one who stayed awake.. jus to watch me sleep..

I saw u the other day with ur friends,

U were smiling and joking abt somethng i dunt know..

Did u knw, tht the breath swooshed out of my lungs,

Leaving an impossible pain in its wake..

To see u so calm and composed, No hint of sadness in ur eyes..

U seemed lik u had moved on already, erased me lik somethng wrong,

I made my way slowly back home tht day, my legs felt leaden

Thinking hard abt where life was taking me.. where was i goin?

I had no answers abt all the "Why's" in my head,

I had no insight on which way to take, or who to talk to,

But something stuck me hard, as i re-read all ur letters,

And cradled all the toys that sat alone inside my cupboard...

I knew ill never be able to forget u so easy,

I knew ill always miss u... no matter hw many miles seperate us,

And i know so true, that I wont love u any less than now..

simply cz ur, n will always be, the best thing that ever happened to me..

~~~~~~~~~~

P.S: Thanks for everything Bubu.

She's my Guardian Angel..

She came into my life jus as a stranger..

From the other coast of the country..

The miles seperated us, but they couldnt stop..

Me from smiling whnever she came online..

The one i loved broke my heart.. and i was shattered..

I cried days on end.. shedding tears of loneliness..

Wishing it to be over soon..

Wishing i could be newher but here..

My heart broke into a million peices..

Scattering everywhere with each breath i took..

It was difficult to move ahead..

Because i was scared to take another step..

She burst through the darkness..

Like the 'hawtest' angel with wings of gold..

She pulled up up, and shook me wid words..

Both loving, soothing.. and sharp..

Till i began to see how much more i could do..

Than jus sit here and brood on wid the past..

She stayed wid me till i felt better..

Till i could smile again, thru the tears..

Thank u god, for sending me my angel..

Thank u angel, for making me see the way..

Thank u angel, for not givin up on me.. lik i gav up on myself..

Thank u angel, bcz u really are the BESTEST!!!

P.S: Dear Angel, u know who u are!! O, Hawest Godess!! The beautiful one wid the Halo!!... Thanks for everything!! I love u lots! Mwah!!!